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Alisia White

  • Last seen on Dec 25 2:08 AM 2007. Member since May 11, 2006.
  • I have 12 comments

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  • on untitled by , on May 17, 2006

    Captain

    Thank you so much for your time to read and critique.  
    Lines 6 and 8 may be re-phrased completely, so your suggestion there may be quite helpful.  
    It's always encouraging to the author when someone indentifies with the message of a poem, despite some imperfections in the delivery.  Thank you.

    Alisia

  • on Deep Blue Eyes by Captain Dot, on May 16, 2006

    I'm back

    Hello again,

    I wanted to visit this piece again, and upon re-reading it with a more critical eye, I noticed some more mixed tenses.  The following lines contain past tense that doesn't fit the present-tense voice of the story: 2, 44, 47, 54, 61, 65, 67, 70-77, 78, 81, 83-91, 94, 98-100
    There are quite a few, but since most of them come in groups, I didn't notice before.  I'm sorry I overlooked.
    Oh, and did you leave it off on purpose, or does "How is my mother" need a question mark?

    I also agree with previous critiquers that there is some pruning that might be done, but since I was so moved, and also couldn't offer any specific suggestions for change, I didn't mention it before.  You know best what can be cut away and what can stay to more clearly speak what you want.  About the ending, Perhaps if you can't remove the whole ending, maybe just parts, like the conversation with the nurse, could be removed.  Keep working on it.  It's masterpiece material.

    Alisia

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