- Member since December 1, 2006.
- I am a 21 year old woman from Michigan (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm doing other writing. I'm an English major in college. .
- I have 40 comments, 11 archived poems, 2 poems
My Poetry
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Our swan song was sung with jelly beans--
bright yellow, stowed in a pocket
for the other one to find. -
I looked up at a streetlight / I thought it was the moon.182 words, 6 comments, April 22, 2009
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like twenty untouched cigarettes / still sealed in the pack,/ I had potential.93 words, 3 comments, April 20, 2009
Guest Book
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Sammt on June 24, 2008I don't really know what I'm studying, at the moment. I'm thinking about trying art...it was psychology...So...Just flip-flopping around.
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Sammt : Hey... on June 13, 2008I just wondered where in Michigan you're from. I'm from the UP, so my curiosity got the best of me.
I go to school in Kalamazoo, though. And have lived pretty much across the entire state, at one time or another.
Comments
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on To Tell the Truth... by FaithsTempo, on March 4You have some good stuff here, Faith. But I think you need some proofreading.
You have a couple of shifts of person and tense in this poem. Eg:
"Before madness
amasses,
think on this
while saving
ourselves a lot
of grief:"
Starts off the line in second person: "(implied "you")... think on this /" then skips to first "saving ourselves a lot of grief".
Also remember that "while" implies that what's written before it and what's written after are happening at the same time; are we really thinking on this *while* saving ourselves the trouble, or *to* save ourselves the trouble?
L. 23-24 "Now I know there's are costs of sin"
L 27-28 "restart again" is redundant
L. 40-46 You say "temporarily ease" the pain and "briefly stifle our tears", which implies that the pain and tears are both going to come back; makes the last three lines of that stanza redundant as well
L. 56: To "alter" is to change; the word you're looking for is "altar."
This isn't really an optimal place for a line-by-line, and anyway I think if you read a little more carefully, you can find the rest yourself. If you'd like a hand, though, PM me and I'll see what I can do.
Hmmm
It can't be denied that this poem has music to it. The meaning is providing something more of a challenge, for me, as you seem to contradict yourself:An archipelago
Should be a crowded comfort, but is not so;
A mile can lie in any close embrace.
...which implies to me that there is difficulty and distance between this person you write of, "But a mind’s seclusion is never the case" between you two?
The only concept of the relationship between the writer and the subject that I can derive is a convoluted one; as if you two had been forced into this intense psychological proximity. What I'm seeing is a relationship which is co-dependent in the extreme, but perhaps no longer constructive. How close am I?