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Bunty Plumchip

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  • on In The Beginning, Eddie by Lad, on August 22, 2007
    I should read all the other 46 comments because what new can there be to say about this- what new perspective can I throw that no one else has seen? I doubt any, so I will just say that this had me spellbound in the skill with which you use specific and -the word that I can't get away from is 'unique' , although an odd one to use- language to create 1)atmosphere and 2) both a balance and a contrast between honesty and hypocrisy.
    The poem is at once personal - not in the sense of navel touring personal, but in the 'individual' sense and universal- the references to the Catholic church- not just the overt ones, but the more subtle ones 'immaculate'- but

    'his soul's font of diamonds '- honed to talons
    Recalls baptism at the moment of death

    "but weird this time he waved away my rhyming lines
    and offered up an air I never took from him before, a generous
    flow of gemmed essence on his skin and reddish hair that senseless
    rose up to a shining."

    Recalls the ritual of the viaticum.

    To pick out just a couple. There are many more.

    I am not going to go into all the 'poetic device' that complements the heartbreaking tale and makes this so compelling, you wrote it so you know how you did it. I have to say of all the many and varied works of yours, I find this intriguing and wonder if it was a venture into trying something new with language. Anyways, for this reader it worked well.

    Now I will scan down and see if I made a complete klutz of myself.

  • on Crazy Blue and The Shipwrecked Sailor by iphios, on August 22, 2007
    Cerulean.

    It was interesting - the approach to this. I felt that I was myself drowning because of the way you made it 'thick' like I understand the Dead Sea to be (because of the salt content) In otherways it was dreamy and drifting, and that is even before the waves of the shades of blue kicked in.

    I might be tempted - and that is probably because I am very minimalistic with punctuation myself, so it is a style and taste thing- but... I wonder if it would work with fewer stops. I can see that the periods work as if the sea is choppy, the holding of breath going under and gulping for air abruptly, but I don;t know I fell maybe half stops , semi colons might make it more of a sea swell.

    I am not sure you need the line

    "my dear crazy blue"

    Anyway, that's just me.

    I enjoyed it. Yes.