- Last seen on Jan 25 5:35 PM 2008. Member since January 3, 2006.
- I am a 29 year old woman (Great Britain)
- When I'm not writing, I'm a bibliophile.
- I have 2 comments, 1 archived poem
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- Poppy field lives at allpoetry
peace will never dull the passion
in our poppy-field lives - No silent ally at allpoetry
In those brief and hidden gestures / Underneath your calm disguise / I witness raging battles / Forging sadness in your eyes / Amongst the pain and turmoil / __________________________ / Camoufl
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I liked the opening very much. Interuption becomes personnified, and this gives a different take in the second line to the one the reader anticipates following the first.
I think it does tell the reader about the origin of the phrase, and I think it does it well. It took me 2 or 3 readings to take in what was being said, but even before I got the meaning I got the atmosphere.
I'm not sure there is a clear rhythm and that did spoil it a little - the piece is about timing and music so the lack of a clear rhythm was a bit counter-productive.
I do like the alternating lines of speach, and if there is rhythm then that is where it comes from.
I'm not sure what happens at the end. The last two lines, I'm sorry to say, were completly lost on me.
LB
x
I would suggest that you remove the (perhaps accidental) sky/eye rhyme in the 3rd stanza - it doesnt fit with the rest of the non-rhyming piece.
There is quite a range of poetic device in this piece and it shows that you have put a lot of thought into the arrangement of the words. I thought it worked particularly well with the subtle alliteration in:
Metal poles poke at the exhaust-fume-laden sky,
But The language all the way through feels a bit like you have intentionally gone through a thesaurus and found things that sound angry. It doesnt come across with the feeling of your own anger, it feels a bit staged and unnatural.