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Nam

  • Last seen on Apr 30 1:53 PM. Member since July 27, 2005.
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  • on untitled by , on October 26, 2005
    Line 5: Do you really need the word ‘to’?

    Line 7: Not to be redundant but do you really need the ‘to’?

    Sort of, towards the end, read like a sonnet, by form, not subject. Well, perhaps even subject.

    I don’t think I am that good at writing on miniscule things.

    . Rewarded 4

  • on Life Support by , on October 26, 2005
    Line 4 I would suggest: ‘my fear’s breaking the thread’ (though in all reality I wasn’t thinking of thread before I got to that line, I was thinking of rest, so if I reworded it myself I most likely would put ‘my fear’s breaking like the rest’—though it does add more words (which isn’t necessary on its own) it does give it a more angstfilled image)

    Line 7: I understand the longevity of it but it’s too long for the pace you have, I would suggest ‘Being dragged by everyone’s problems’ or something of that accord. It takes away words and makes the pace more applicable to the reader.

    Line 12: Is the result of a forced rhyme. And it seems so obvious that it is one just by the hint of the beginning before the dreadful end of the line.

    Rhymes are not just one way. There are many types of rhymes. One suggestion I would give is a rhyme that perhaps rhymes in the middle of the word besides at the end. so instead of ‘peek’ put ‘steep’. See, the middle of the two words rhyme. But then you should work off the line before it which I feel you didn’t really do. The reason why I chose ‘steep’ is because of the previous line and not the line in which you were trying to rhyme with (which made it an obvious forced rhyme since it seemed you neglected the line you should have been writing off) and thus writing what you did.

    So, perhaps put ‘the climb is too steep’

    You see how that goes inline with the previous? Tho, perhaps it’s weak, I feel it works a bit better than what you have and doesn’t come off as being forced.

    The correlation of line 17 and line 4 I feel is good on your part, you went back and re-addressed something that was miniscule and showed the reader that perhaps it wasn’t. If you took the second suggestion I gave for line 4 (you don’t have to, it is just a suggestion) you’d have to re-write line 17 to coincide.

    Line 20: The word ‘way’ is not needed. It, I feel, reads better without it.

    Line 23: The word ‘Now’ is not needed, in my opinion.

    Line 26: I don’t really like that line, it seems off-paced and just doesn’t sit right with me—however, I don’t have a suggestion on changing it to something else, so ..

    line 32: The word ‘so’ in the beginning I feel is not needed.

    Lines 33-36: This whole verse seems forced and the ending, tho I get it, seems redundant.

    I either suggest re-writing it and/or tossing it. The former is probably you’re best bet.

    You have a few good lines in here, usually what I’d do (which you don’t have to do and I am not really suggesting it to you, just mentioning it) I would take those lines that ‘I’ like and toss the rest and write from the beginning again using those lines.

    It’s hard to do that at first, building blocks and all, but if you want to better yourself in the realm of poetry (or whatever art you’re into) sometimes you have to do things in which is difficult to do.

    I learned that myself a long time ago. It’s hard, but necessary.

    . Rewarded 4