- Member since July 31, 2008.
- I am a 13 year old person
- I have 2 comments, 2 archived poems, 85 poems, 4 stories, 3 journals
My other items
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- The Alien at storywrite
. - Where Petals Shattered at allpoetry
there was true love - Dream at allpoetry
i will finish next week!!!!
My journal entries
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The room was bright. The window was placed at a most peculiar angle. The sun and clouds shifted, and the room was dim.January 18, 2009, → Make first comment?
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Last night, I spent two hours holding a small phone to my ear. The next day, my arm hurt. I must get more excersise.January 18, 2009, In Impressions. → 3 comments, Add one?
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Absentmindedly today, I walked into a pine tree. It was a prickly experience.January 18, 2009, In Impressions. → 3 comments, Add one?
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Comments
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on Affected by oxymoron270, on August 2, 2008The entire poem seems a little fake and a little forced, though you do have some good phrases in there sometimes. The ending is a little unclear... who died too? The speaker's mother or the speaker herself? Although I don't think it makes sense that someone should commit suicide because her friend commited suicide...
Here's my ratings, and why:
Form 4/5 - The rhyming was done well and it flowed, although sometimes the way you worded a line made it sound forced. For example, ""How could she have hid it for so long/ That when it came out she was not strong?"
Actually, I feel that it is difficult to express sorrow in rhyme because of the jovial rhythm that rhyme creates. Perhaps you could try writing this in free verse, with more powerful phrases.
Rhythm 5/5 - done very well.
Tone 3/5 - It is mostly consistent but many phrases sound forced, perhaps because you were trying to make it rhyme. I thought that near the end of the poem, the speaker's tone did not sound desperate enough, and leads to the reader thinking that she commiting suicide was fake.
Language 2/5 - There were very few similes and metaphors, and few extremely unique descriptive phrases. However, I did like the way you lead the reader into the story in the beginning.
Subject 1/5 - The emotions in this poem were not strong enough to move the reader, and so it only tells a story that rhymes.
I hope this criticism helps... =)
Shyalanguage: 2, rhythm: 5, subject: 1, tone: 3, form: 4.
Good!
I loved this poem. I think it was extremely well-written, and had a good message for all. Only there were a few lines that seemed to have too many syllables.I love the last stanza, as well as the poem in the 6th stanza, although the first line is a little too long. A good write.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.