- Member since July 23, 2007.
- My mood is
, and quote is "as grey as the mist that rested on the morning streets". - I am a 23 year old person (Great Britain)
- When I'm not writing, I'm looking out the window.
- Visit my homepage at blogsbynight.blogspot.com
- I have 60 comments, 5 archived poems, 1 story
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- The Colour and the Shape at storywrite
With a mild sense of childlike wonder, he enjoys the crunch of the settle snow under his brogues as he strolls along the pathway. Goodness knows there is enough cynicism in the world without letting the little wonders go unno
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Before I launch into my ideas, I want to first say that there is so much good here. Instances like "Wraps of solitude fall five steps short" and "miming in some cigarette romance are just wonderful little vignettes of creativity and I think with a bit of advice (not necessarily mine, I'm no expert) this could a wonderful piece.
My main gripe if I'm honest, is with the formatting. I know you're going with the rhyming couplets, but I'm just a little worried that the intention to stick to this has restricted you flow-wise. Some of the lines are perhaps too long and could be severed into two, for example lines 3, 6, 12. The people on here are not generally fans of rhyming, and the restriction this has on the rhythm is the reason why. At the end of the day, these poems are the reflection of your inner thoughts and feelings, and up to you. I'm just giving you my tuppence worth.
This poem was wonderfully sickening! So macabre and specific in the minute details that your readers will not know whether to get goosebumps or let their skin crawl. What a way to let us into the part of your mind that is simultaneously depraved and wonderfully artistic! I'd bet on you being a Tim Burton gal :
Bit mystified by lines 22/23. Is that where you wanted the break? For the impact of the 'fuck' to linger there at the end of the line? Just curious.