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Yossarian

  • Last seen on Jun 19 7:44 PM. Member since August 6, 2005.
  • I am a 20 year old man (Canada)
  • When I'm not writing, I'm ...writing?.
  • I have 118 comments, 24 archived poems

My other items

1 - 3 of 13   Show all
  • Edamame Blues at allpoetry
    We ate edamame, / nestling our skins in pools / of salt and spit, sometimes / / sucking them--discarded / saline corsets--hoping / for meat we might've missed. / / So when you spurned them to / the bin wit
  • Sirena contra gelato at allpoetry
    Against a preset biology
    you dye your hair to strip off sable stripes
  • Elephant Sonnet at allpoetry
    ...the Dumbo-cum-masseuse brand humps
    are almost worse than every trunk-smacked sore...

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Comments

1 - 2 of 118   Show all
  • on Iniustus Justicia by Dun, on December 16, 2007
    I really liked this, but I have something of a radical suggestion: start with "You either get it/or you live without it." Everything before that, although I would say it's well written, sort of falls flat compared with the rest. Too much tell, not enough show, as that old writer rule goes. You get right into the lyrical groove at "You either..."

    This was the best part:

    "Newton knew it,
    a man of reason;
    action can’t be robbed
    by lack of reaction, treason
    to suggest
    that justice is blessed,
    when doing nothing is better
    and to let action rest."

    Elegant and plain spoken. It's hard to get that kind of thing down without slipping into prose, but this is some meaty verse indeed. And nice use of rhyme. Subtle, but when it does hit you it's not over powering. I've always been a fan of more image laden poetry, but when I see something more down to earth, and it really works, it always impresses me. I digress. This says everything you say in the first bit, but better, and in a more effective place. I always like to equate poetry (especially short poems) to stand up comedy. You have your hook, your setup, and then you get the punchline. What I'm sayin' is, don't give away your punchline! lol

    Nice work,

    Y

    PS: You get a trillion points for working in Newton.

    PPS: Cut the comma after "that justice is blessed". Kind of impedes your flow.

  • on Delictum by Yossarian, on December 16, 2007
    A belated reply (haven't been on the site in ages!):

    Thank you for the thoughts. Honestly, I like your conception of this better than mine, lol. I haven't really got a concrete idea of what this is about. It started as a reflection on harmful (sexual) relationships, but the scenery and metaphor rather overtook it. It really took on a life of its own, and it's one of the few poems I've never had to make a big revision of. Also, the "apple bruise over vagina" image had haunted me for a long time, so I needed to expunge it, in an admittedly round about way.

    But yes, noir is the one thing I was definitely going for here. I think it could be a whole new subgenre! It would be everything goth poetry wishes it could be. But with fedoras.

    Thanks again,

    Y