This seems like a more appropriate place for you to tell me what you think I am like.
- Last seen on Nov 21 7:09 PM. Member since March 1.
- I am a 18 year old guy from New Jersey (United States)
- I have 28 comments, 12 archived poems
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on The Under-Stair Prayer by celestialpie, on May 26Hello pie, and thank you for posting another wonderful poem for me to enjoy.
The first stanza has a great feel to it, and really throws me back to all the times I had to be at work or in school late, and a little nicety like a can of soda was a comfort. Your tone captures the nonchalance of a routine at work, and the dull surprise that comes from seeing something unexpected. Your reaction gives me the mental image of a raised eyebrow haha.
However, for as sweet and comfortable as the first three stanzas are, the venom really flows at the tail end of this. And I like it. A lot. Fundies usually treat an irreligious swine such as myself as if I have a target on my back, so I definitely smirked at the very end. It seems they COULD learn a thing or two about devotion.
My only suggestion, and and this may have been an honest typo on your part and not a style issue, is the addition of a verb in the second to last stanza. It currently reads
"But next time I hear some obnoxious fundie bitch/about not being allowed to pray in school or post"
It seems to me that there should be some sort of speaking verb in there. But that's just me. Either way, this was a fantastic read.
-Zig



Thanks
Thanks for reading, dave. You know, its strange what goes through my mind when I eat meat. I acknowledge that something had to die for me to eat, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel discomfort or guilt. Its more like "Oh. This was alive at one time. Pity."I think we have opposable thumbs for a reason =p
-Zig