"It could be worse...it could be raining....."
- Last seen on Oct 31 1:19 AM. Member since November 26, 2007.
- I am a 51 year old woman from Massachusetts (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm an Artist, Writer.
- I have 47 comments, 16 archived poems
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- a Little Rope Please... at allpoetry
Some slack
For the holiday season. - Venn Diagram at allpoetry
God Is the intersection - Fettered at allpoetry
Snatching it tight...
To heighten the spell.
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all Igot from your message was "hey"?
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on Oh Well by Brian Balzer, on September 16
LOL
Very nice...simple and complicated....and short, like I like em...
I loved the ending... you tied it up perfectly, I hope to read more of your words.... ttfn Laurel
Line 13
to the infinity of space a time. Did you mean?
to the infinity of space and time.
I found it awkward
Line 17
as way my anguish now holds me.
The word "as" seems out of place...you could replace it with "the", or follow it with "the"
Line 26
to be a peace...at last, Did you mean?
to be at peace...at last,
They are minor typos, but I have a hard time proof reading my own work, and I appreciate the heads up on those.
I liked this poem, the imagery of the empty page, and the whiteness of your fog and haze echo the emptiness nicely... and the emptiness of the forgotten yell... the emptiness of the hour glass.... excellent.....
I found three things that were a bit distracting and interrupting the flow.
I suggest stanza breaks. They could really help to make this work even better.
Natural breaks in the rhythm occour at 7/8, 12/13, 17/18 and 23/24.
I found it awkward as follows:
Staring blindly, seeking words
to compare our life together
to the beautiful wonders of the world.
Trying desperately to grasp ways,
to compare our destiny together,
to the infinity of space a time.
You used the word "to" too many times
also
The second half of the poem has the word "as" alot....
as way my anguish now holds me.
Thinking to scream aloud,
I suck in deeply,
as a fog rolls into my mind.
I exhale slowly, forgetting to yell,
as the fog softly consoles me.
I breathe slowly, calmly,
as I float through a thickening haze.
I numbly watch the peices of my heart,
as they slowly pass through an hourglass.
As the last peice falls, I drift away,
to be a peace...at last,
in the emptiness.
It would clean up simply and nicely.....
Hope this helps....
Love your work that I have read so far. ttfn Laurel