made of lies and other things
broken toys and bits of string
what more is left inside this hell
inspiration, time and friends
all came to meet their gruesome ends
inside these walls I know too well
and I lay, wating for
the chance there might be something more
than being trapped inside my mind
waiting for help to appear
come to try and interfere
should anyone be so inclined
you'll find me here, in the corner
shivering in total horror
as the walls start to draw near
inquiring aid, to no avail
as voice and language start to fail
waiting for the end to appear
it's name is death, a slight relief
from my unanswered grief
screaming until I fall asleep
though alone I'll probably die,
It doesn't matter if I cry,
alone, i sit, and I weep
"without you, everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces"
Perfect drug, Nine Inch Nails
PLEASE COMMENT
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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umm, I was hoping for a LITTLE more constructive comments...
like any ways I could have edited, changed the wordplay, you know. that kind of stuff -
wow that was really good.I love how you rymed things just right.
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wow, this is very powerful! so many times i have felt like this, and i like how the words just seemed to rhyme naturally, it didn't sound like you were forcing it. good job!!!
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wow, this is very powerful! so many times i have felt like this, and i like how the words just seemed to rhyme, it didn't seem like you were trying to force it. good job!!!
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NICE
i love this one. its so full of meaning and understanding. i must say this may be one of my favorites of yours kitten. well i cant wait to read more!language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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This was good, I like the rhyme scheme.
I hope you don't mind editing, I can't help being a perfectionist so...
line 7 should be 'waiting'
line 16 I don't think inquiring is right grammatically here, maybe it should be 'inquiring for aid' or something, or a different word...
line 19 should be its, the possessive doesn't need an apostrophe
line 20 should be unanswered
So, yeah, just a few little technical things, but I like it, nice and depressing ^^ -
Beautiful
Loneliness is a state of mind no matter if you are in crowd. The poem is a beautiful tale of loneliness…a tale…in which there is lonesome and a nail…yet love prevailslanguage: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 5.
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I fail to see where love prevails...
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Intriguing
Wow, this is alluring, intriguing, & captivating. It draws you in. Bet you can't read the first paragraph and walk away! Excellent arrangement.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Why thank you.
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Kitten!
I rather like it, the rhythm is very good. The idea is as well, and I love that you based it on a rhyme you heard. Inspiration comes in such strange ways! The only thing I see is maybe "all come to meet their gruesome ends" but that is-as always-up to you. Nice job, dear Kitten.
Lady N
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