small waterfalls cascade,
six feet above my head as I sit
on dry moss, contemplative
watching small fish in an eddy
trees all around make this forest clearing
a small, wet heaven
where I sit and forget myself, lost in thought
and one word comes to mind. one simple word
serene
I could stay there forever. lost in natural beauty
how perfectly the rock is swept,
how the water flows
it's warm, and unbothered
cut off from earth
alone, but happy
serene but wet
cascading, and still a heaven
I have a place, do you?
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Awesome
I liked this very much Beautifull and inspiring. I am glad to have the chance to read this piece.language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 2, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Hey,
It sounds like a wonderful place. I guess we all have a place like that, either internally or externally. Or even both. But a place to be a ease and unwind and feel free and uninhibited is worth all the gold and riches in this world.
A very nice read
Bill
language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Yes, many times, many places
I described three places as only nostalgia can, a wonderful experience, and on sending, hit the wrong key, and this merciless machine ATE it! Three poems live there when again I have time, someday... unsure when.
You took me back to the sites of many photos. Thank you.
Technically I still prefer sentences that begin with capitals, but you did have periods in the right places.
Only one suggestion: lose the number 6. Numerals are used in commerce and math. Six is better.
A special poem.
Terry
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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kicks butt
Flagilistick.. where did you learn to write such powerful words?
I like the line "How perfectly the rock is swept"
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My place hasn't been visited in way too long of time--consequence of bad weather. some places just have to be seen in complete sunlight. the line, 'cascading, and still a heaven' was excellent. makes me think of something that can seem somewhat chaotic, but is still naturally perfect in its entity. very nice piece.
-Paypaya
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Nice
I like it, makes me me want to be there. Reminds me I haven't been to my place in a long, long time. I like how you describe it with one word, serene, ties in with the third line.
I just had an idea, it almost seems like two separate poems, the first part asking questions of the reader and the second part describing the place. I think, and this is just me what I would do, but I would get rid of the first half altogether, seems kind of unnecessary to me, as the title already asks the question and describing the place should bring up all those feelings anyway. But, like I said, that's just what I would do if it were my poem, it's yours and you don't have to take my advice ^^
And one question, about the line "cascading, but still a heaven", why would cascading make it not a heaven, why the word but? I'm curious.
Overall, beautiful and serene ^_^ -
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thanks, and I'm not sure why I added the "but" in. I see what you mean, so I'm editing now
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yes i do have a place. this is great Kitten, good job. ill make a longer commenr when i have full use of my hands in... lets see... three months. great job,
-Colin
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