The door is open, but the birds squawk away the daylight,
The shadows grow longer – must I forget?
Your photograph still lives on the mantelpiece, but as light fades
So does your face.
Outside, stirring shadows are but birds',
And yet, when I sleep, a candle will take my place,
It too burning itself down,
Waiting for you.
Any (constructive) criticism is much appreciated
Comments
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Vivid imagery
Quite a lesson in brevity here Nish. You capture a moment so well here. It feels lonely and just slightly dark, not in terms of the daylight fading itself, but moreover the analogy of daylight to one for whom you're waiting.
Daylight fades - memories fade. But for the photograph, which fades too with the impending darkness. The use of a candle to offer temporary reprieve is very poetic insofar as this battles with darkness and also allows you to view the face in the photograph for a little while longer.
The structure could be changed a little as noted below, to add more balance, but apart from that, I think you've done a good job here.
Cheers,
Mart
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Thanks for another good comment!
I'm glad you caught onto the link between the photograph and the candle, I'm not sure if it's obvious or not.
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Welcome to the site!
I find this poem to be very tender and soft, I like it the way it is but maybe shorten up the longer lines some to be more uniform with the rest. Nice work! Dove
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Thanks!
Thanks for the feedback, it's great that you gave me something to improve on. I see what you mean about the longer/shorter lines' contrast; the rhythm slightly 'falls'.
Thanks!
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