Loneliness soars within me,
Spreads its wings – higher, higher.
Clear windows are in my mind opaque
Mosquito netting solid as prison bars
Shapeless walls rise
Around me. Every person
Flitting around me,
Ghostly. Hollow.
Shadowy questions, murky answers,
I listen without hearing, talk without speaking.
Day by day, loneliness soars higher.
Day by day
I fall deeper.
Go ahead and criticise, as long as it's constructive!
Comments
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strong
The way you write, there's strength in every word.I dont think there would have been a better way of expressing the feeling of being alone.
You have a unique way of putting across very complex emotions in a very strong and straight manner.
I liked it.
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thanks deep inside, (and thanks from deep inside, lol) for you comment. Emotions are very important to me in my life..I feel that if i can learn to control them then i can put myself in any frame of mind in life. poems are an aid to controlling emotions, no?
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you are most welcome.I partly agree with you,emotions cant be controlled, the more you try to control them, more difficult they get.Poems are an aid to express those emotions which help you to let them flow easily, helping you to adapt to situations and easily cross the high and low tides.
And, you have a very straight and strong way of expression which gives you strength to put yourself in every frame of mind.
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Descriptions are vivid, yet.......
...I find the poem depressing. But that could be your aim - to convey that emptiness so that it embeds itself within a few words, into the mind of the reader.
It's not a favoured style of mine but that's not to say that I don't appreciate your expansive use of metaphor:
"Clear windows are in my mind opaque
Mosquito netting solid as prison bars"
Works very well indeed. As does your use of language to describe that vacuous and empty feeling:
"Ghostly. Hollow.
Shadowy questions, murky answers,
I listen without hearing, talk without speaking."
Very good indeed. Reminds me of how I feel with a hangover.
But as a whole, I just don't enjoy the subject matter. That just comes down to personal preference I'm afraid.
Cheers,
Mart
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Thanks!
I can understand how you wouldn't enjoy the subject matter, I can't see many people that would I guess. I wrote this poem a couple of months back when I was feeling a bit down, and I revised it yesterday - the 'Ghostly. Hollow. ...' phrase that you mention was changed in the revision.
I'm afraid that because of my age I wouldn't know what a hangover feels like yet but when I find out, I'll be sure to get back to you!
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