Gliding whispers,
The cloudy surface of a pond,
A raging hurricane, contained in a bottle, suspended
In space, amidst the stars.
These are the whispers of my heart.
Stare into the eyes, shimmering
With stories of sadness, long kept within,
A bucket, drawn up a well -
The bucket half full and the well half empty.
These are the whispers of my heart.
Down, down, through the layers of protection, to the
Raging core, and now passion is revealed,
Molten flames licking at each other,
Never too dangerous, never too tame.
These are the whispers of my heart.
Constructive Criticism is Always Welcome!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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An evocative pile-up of images...
...images arising from a meditative introspection. I like the dream-like mood of this poem, nish.
I don't have a problem with its being obscure; it speaks to me rather plainly (but beautifully) of the many conflicting feelings within the poet here: secret whispers; bottled hurricane of bottled-up emotions; the inner events of his life, half-empty, drawn out of a soul half-empty too; erotic and other passions burning below, kept safely in balance.
A candid self-portrait in seductive images! And the mostly 4-beat lines alternating with occasional 2- and 3-beat lines is disciplined craft. Good writing.
Lad
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Thanks, I'm happy the poem spoke to you as clearly as it did!
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Opaque
There's no doubting your clever use of language. You're a poet through and through. But I do like to get the message and I find this poem a little too opaque for me.
There are several themes which could be expanded on here; explored in more depth. Yet no sooner has one captured one image or one metaphor, then the poem seems to move onto another theme. For instance:
"The cloudy surface of a pond,
A raging hurricane, contained in a bottle, suspended
In space, amidst the stars."
I don't quite get the connection between the cloudy surface of the pond and the hurricane in a bottle waiting to explode out of the confines of a bottle in space. I am going to avoid putting my own interpretation on this as I will no doubt be wide of the mark, but is that maybe what you want from reviewers? I'm not sure. I apologise if you do and if I am doing this a disservice by not dissecting every line, every phrase.
"Stare into the eyes, shimmering
With stories of sadness, long kept within,
A bucket, drawn up a well -
The bucket half full and the well half empty."
This stanza confuses me too. The eyes are often referred to as the window to the soul, reflecting one's mood and experience. Yet the bucket analogy doesn't fit for me. Are you saying that you look on the positive with the bucket half full or focus on the negative now that the well is half empty? Or both? Is it a conflict?
Maybe the penutlimate line is the giveaway:
"Never too dangerous, never too tame."
Maybe it is both and a conflict too. But I just don't get it and that frustrates the hell out of me.
Having said I wouldn't dissect, I have to an extent haven't I? Now I'm confusing myself. At least you can be assured that this poem made an impact even if I can't put my finger on quite what it is!
Mart
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Thanks for the great comment!
I loved this comment, I'll try to dissect it like you ended up dissecting my poem
"There are several themes which could be expanded on here; explored in more depth. Yet no sooner has one captured one image or one metaphor, then the poem seems to move onto another theme."
Actually, my aim with this poem was to jump from one thing to another. It's written in a slightly personal way. I wanted to treat the heart as if it was some kind of boiling cauldron that contained the human soul, and a huge mix of ingredients, all whirling around. Emotions, thoughts, everything, moving incredibly fast.
I tried to capture these ingredients using metaphors and imagery, and to get the feel of them moving quickly I only gave each one a line or two - it was a trade-off between descriptiveness and the 'confusion' or 'motion' effect, I'm glad you got this one!
"I don't quite get the connection between the cloudy surface of the pond and the hurricane in a bottle waiting to explode out of the confines of a bottle in space. I am going to avoid putting my own interpretation on this as I will no doubt be wide of the mark, but is that maybe what you want from reviewers? I'm not sure. I apologise if you do and if I am doing this a disservice by not dissecting every line, every phrase."
I wrote a lot of this poem based on ideas that could be called 'stream of consciousness' - I don't know exactly what that means, but it seems to fit how I wrote this poem. I wouldn't expect you to give your personal interpretation to every line in the poem, that would probably be a hell lot of work, but you're right in thinking that each person will have their own response to this. Different images could inspire different reactions in different people - the poem is what you make of it.
"This stanza confuses me too. The eyes are often referred to as the window to the soul, reflecting one's mood and experience. Yet the bucket analogy doesn't fit for me. Are you saying that you look on the positive with the bucket half full or focus on the negative now that the well is half empty? Or both? Is it a conflict?"
You caught on with both points here. I used the eyes because they are thought of as the window to the soul, and since I was writing about the heart as the container of everything that could be the soul, the eyes seemed to be a good choice. And you're also right about the conflict - on the one hand the bucket is half full, but on the other the well is half empty. Or is it the other way round? Maybe they're both half full. Again, it is what you make of it.
"But I just don't get it and that frustrates the hell out of me."
I hope that my reply made it a bit more clear to you - although the poem isn't meant to be clear
Thanks for the awesome comment,
Nish(81) -
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Hey Nish
Thanks for taking the time to both reflect on my comments and to offer further explanation of the themes explored and the reasons for this. It makes reviewing and writing critiques all the more worthwhile when a poet truly appreciates a reader's perspective.
Mart
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