She cries with eyes wide open, says her goodbyes,
My emotions rise as I say mine, ending a time built on lies,
My heart flies as I stare at the sky, she leaves and a part of me dies,
Her friend rings and tries, but doesn't know where her loyalties lie,
I wait for a while, good and bad times jumbled in one pile,
She leaves, neither of our goals achieved, and I'm left bereaved,
She deceived, left me screaming, heart teeming with dead leaves, and buried under grief,
I couldn't see, we believed that only love was needed,
In reality it was more than one deed, that was the key to our defeat,
I sleep, I dream, and somewhere deep,
Do I feel relieved?
Any constructive criticism would be great
Comments
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I'll have to agree with Mart. I thought there were some places it was a little bit iffy but for the most part it really worked quite well. For me, the poem was confused, meandering, really not clear which is not always a deficit; here it helps with the idea of the loss, and the confusion after and the general state-of-being. It's no "teen angst whiney poor me" poem, which is always an accomplishment, I feel. When we teens can get across a "trite" thought without sounding unoriginal it's a time for celebration! I loved the friend you threw in there, and the relief at the end. Good job.
Nienna
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I'm beginning to see what you mean about some rhymed being iffy, but I'm not planning on changing anything - don't believe in changing a poem after I'm done with it
I didn't actually intend for it to be confusing or meandering, but I'm happy that you don't see that as a deficit!
When I wrote this, I was actually in a similarly confused state, and I was just trying to get my emotions across in a non-cliched way.
As to the friend and the relief, well that's also a personal matter. The 'friend' was based on reality. When I was writing the last line of the poem, I was thinking about it being some kind of depressive/sad/bleak line, but then this line just sort of came out. So there it is.
Thanks!
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Good stuff
I like this. There's a clarity to this poem and a really strong message which comes across of the confusion that prevails when a relationship breaks down. That initial despair and emptiness - the friends who try to repair damage on both sides and ultimately fail and the impact it all has, which creates a loss, almost like death in some ways, only not quite so final.
The rhymes work well for the most part - aiding the flow of what is a more prosaic style. Some do verge on being forced or contrived though and I think you just about get away with it; there's a fine balance to be struck when the first half of the poem is built upon 'ies' and associated rhymes and the second half built upon 'ee' and similar.
Like I say, it's a fine line but I think you do a good job here.
Cheers,
Mart
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Thanks for your comment, as usual you say very helpful things for me to think about!
I'm glad to see that you liked the message it sent across - well, maybe not 'liked', but understood
Thanks!
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