Moisture, it
was fresh,
it was
the smell of life.
Author notes
A quick four-liner I wrote.
Any feedback would be great
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I giggled
When I read this I giggled because I have given birth and I don't know about what my daughter felt but it was more:
'Great big splashes of water
Not drowning out my screams
It was excruciating
It was the smell of "oh my good God help me".
Sorry. Anyway, I liked the poem. I liked the tone of the stanza. I liked the way you set out it out. I dont know if it needs work because I also hate editing my poems. I always feel that if you were feeling something, and you wrote it down, you captured a moment which should not be changed because something would be lost.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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hahaha!
well, now that you mention it, i'll let you in on something. this isn't actually about human birth, i wrote it after seeing a video in science with a deer giving birth. so, I'm pretty sure that your poem is better suited to human birth.
good point about the editing, and generally I don't like to edit. but, if you can recapture the feeling by reading the poem again, maybe you can improve your interpretation of the poem. meh, it's a personal preference I guess.
nish
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Almost great.
But "almost great," I think, is quite good. It captures that irreducible "fresh"ness and "smell of life" of any kind of birth - physical, emotional, spiritual.
nish, I alwasy hesitate to offer suggestions to your remarkable work because I'm held back by your reluctance to revise (you call it "edit") a poem that could have much more power than it already potentially has. If we post our poems, but refuse to revise them, what's the point of posting them?
The sounding-board of other poets could help a great deal: your comments on my poems, for instance, have helped me occasionally and caused me to revise a word or a phrase for the better. Also, great and famous poets almost endlessly revised their poems - some did that even after they were published, like Walt Whitman and W.H. Auden, even Shakespeare, just to name a few. (Hope you don't think I'm lecturing you here; I'm just puzzled why an amazingly talented poet such as yourself hates to change anything.)
Well, here's my thought: the first three words of the poem are redundant; for such a short poem, every word must say something that adds to an image's power; seems like precious space is wasted there by using words so similar that what could have been a sharp image turns out to be dull.
But the last half of the poem is absolutely brilliant: original, sharp and vivid: "...it was fresh / it was / the smell of life." Fantastic! - EVERY WORD COUNTS!
I respect your work very much, nish. And that's the only reason I say some of the things I said above. I respect you as a poet too much to be dishonest. Hope you understand!!
Lad
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(sorry, I've been away from monday till now so I'm just seeing this)
wow. everything you said really made me think a lot.
about not revising my poems, well what you said made me kinda reconsider that. my original thinking was that revising a poem was kind of 'cheating', changing what was originally posted. also, wouldn't some critical comments that were addressed become redundant?
but then again, that is a stupid way of thinking, so im going to try and revise that poem as soon as I can. thanks for your awesome comment!
and yeah, you're right, the first three words DO seem repetitive. I'm glad you liked the last half though!
nish{81} -
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What a difference!
nish, I just took a peek at your revision: it's perfect. Now the little poem is much more vivid and alive.
This short poem now can stand by itself as a small gem. You might want, though, to write another poem that expands on all the concentrated thought and feeling in the short one. If you decide to do that, I'll be looking forward to it with pleasure.
Lad
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Forgive me for I am really tired, but is there any other kind of moisture? damp, wet...? warm perhaps? It was mercifully brief but suddenly it took breath and lived.
Refreshing.
Terry
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thanks for the comment Terry,
Well, I guess you're right there, moisture as a rule is expected to be damp. I think I was trying to emphasise the dampness of this moisture: it's not normal moisture, it's super-damp moisture! If that makes sense?
Thanks against though,
nish(81)
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Hi,
I feel that this poem needs just a little more work.
The last line is good. The title is great. And it is a very good idea for a poem.
Bill
language: 1, rhythm: 1, subject: 5, tone: 1, form: 1.
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Thanks for the first comment on this poem
Yeah, maybe it could use a little work - but I dislike editing any of my poetry!
nish{81}
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