Light faded
as the sun set.
Darkness rushed
approached
us,
bringing promises of the night.
Author notes
The title is the name of a John Marsden book.
Any comments at all would be great!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nice job!
I love the welcoming tone of this poem. The way it welcomes the night instead of wishing for light. Very nice!
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks for the comment!
Yeah, I guess it was slightly odd of me to write a poem celebrating the night.
Nish[81]
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Brief and neat!
I like the mood of this: open and accepting of the night - perfectly imaged in only 20 syllables, almost a haiku, and just as concentrated. Nice writing, Nish.
If you have the time, you might want to see a short poem of mine "Twilight Speaks to Me" which has a different, more fearful sense of night's approach.
Lad
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Thanks for your comment! I'll check out your poem as soon as I can before I sleep, (almost midnight here)
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Hey, this is great! I love that you can do so much with so little, that's always a great accomplishment. Many writers strive for this in hundreds of words. I'm a big fan of short poetry. But of course, everything has to be placed with utmost care and thought. That happens for the most part, but I do have a suggestion, and I hope you don't mind if I point it out. If you put a comma at the end of line 3 it gives that the same sort of rhythm as the consecutive line, which gives the poem some continuity. Which is always good. But even if left as is, it's some good stuff.
Nienna
PS Welcome to sharepo by the way
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Thanks for the helpful suggestion, I love it when people point out things for me to improve on! Actually, the formatting on this poem came out wrong: there was meant to be a tab before the fourth line, and two tabs before the fifth. I hope you can see what I mean - wonder if that would change anything.
Thanks for the welcome! -
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Yes, I see. Unfortunately here everything is either left or middle aligned :-(.
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