I started up so high,
But that doesn't mean anything,
Except I will fall longer, and
Hit harder when I reach the
Ground, I fall, I
Land, I
Break every bone in my body.
For hours, and
hours I lie alone,
Not dead, but
Not quite alive.
Who will notice?
When the ink runs out,
And the blood
has dried.
Who will
remember
Me
Author notes
This is a slightly weird poem that I wrote. I'd love any comments on it!
I'd love comments on this one.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Sad and aimed just right...
...down. Good one, nish. No wasted words, no weeping or whining; a pure statement of a mood, unadorned.
I especially like the off-hand toss-off of the first stanza; starts the poem's tone perfectly for what's to come. You have talent, young man. Hang in there! I'm pulling for you.
Lad
-
-
Thanks for another great comment Lad!
I actually wrote this poem in three different sittings where I was in very different moods, if that helps you understand it a bit better.
Nish -81-
-
-
nish81
thank you for your comments on atoms.
fall land and die is a tremendous poem reminescient of the myth of Icarius who flew too close to the sun. the way you break the paragraphs is very effective with the last stanza being a single word.
i loved the metaphor of ink running out and blood running dry.
your obviously talented and its great your writing at fifteen. just as important in your bio. you say you like to read poetry. i once saw a young poet at a reading who stayed out on the patio and played with her little brother and i knew right off she was no poet because if she were she'd of stayed inside wanting listen to the other poets.
my only critique is the authors notes which should only be rarly used. not say this wierd. letter the reader judge for themselves.
dave
-
-
Thanks
no problem, I like your poetry. like you pointed out, I like reading poetry that I like, (
) and it seems only natural to say what I think of it. Thanks for the anecdote about the young poet you saw!
here in Tanzania we don't get any poetry readings, there are definitely no poetry clubs, or anything poetry-related. the only poetry I have is over the internet, and my parents recognised my interest and bought me some great poetry books
Anyways, I kinda spun off there. Thanks about the author's notes, I was actually quite confused about them!
Nish[81]
-
-
I must say that my favorite part would have to be the end. It sounds a bit whiney coming into it, but comparing blood and ink (and obviously what they're for) is a brilliant move. It makes it worthwhile. Interesting, I'd have to say...
Nienna -
-
Thanks for the comment! I also found that 'who will notice?' was a bit shaky, but I decided to keep it anyways. Glad you liked the blood/ink comparison.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
