A dimmed crescent,
As if the moon
Behind clouds lurked.
Inside me a village
A city,
Deserted but for
Me, I am alone.
Why should I worry?
Says the little voice,
In my head.
What a pity that the little voice,
Is just that.
A little
Voice,
Too small to be heard.
Someday,
I will learn to live,
Someday
I will smile
Without tears in my eyes.
Author notes
This is a pretty weird one. Doesn't really have a clear theme, aim, subject - anything at all. Make of it what you will.
Does the poem work? Any feedback at all would be great!
Comments
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thanks for another comment
yeah, I get what you're saying - this poem does feel like it can be polished up a bit. I just didn't know where to go with it, and liked the feeling it inspired so I left it without editing - don't know if that was the right choice. -
It can be more precise
iloved the lines "Inside me a village
A city,
Deserted but for
Me, I am alone."
These could be led to more meaningful way.... i think it still can... i would not want to impose my thoughts on it... but would just want to say that this can go a long way ... Take care
Traveller
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 4.
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It does, I think, have a very clear theme and subject...
...sadness, loneliness and the blues. And its aim, I suppose, is the simple expression of those downers. I like this one.
The images you chose are just right: hidden moon, empty village, small unheard voice inside, all blended softly into hope.
Good writing.
Lad -
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Thanks for the comment! The reason I felt it was unclear is because in the last two days I wrote 4 short poems about the same sort of theme, (sadness, loneliness and the blues) so what I did here was take the best of each and merge it. I thought it might have ended up a bit confusing, but I guess not.
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