Share Poetry Critiques Poetry       Forums       Freewrite       Store      

Red - Veltety - C******

Bloated, filled with the fat
Of those it accommodates,
In the middle depressed -
Not sad, but pushed
In, pressed in.
It has learnt, you see,
How its patrons like it.

Red

Velvety


Cushion.

Any feedback at all!

    : Comment:

Comments

1 - 11 of 11
  • dave ochs
    February 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    fantastic Nish

    i love poems that come out of left field, who would think about writing about a cushion. also the cushion tells us something about the people that sit in it. i also like the way it reads like a riddle.
    dave


    • nish81
      February 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for that comment dave! glad you liked the riddle bit

  • Trew
    February 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    What a keen eye you have
    clear and valid voice


  • celestialpie
    February 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    As usual, I echo Lad-- another great write, but I wonder about the necessity of the final 3 words as well. The 7 lines you have say so much, and lines 6 & 7 would be such a powerful ending.

    Again, as in the sculpture poem, you have throughly mined the poetic concept of an orignial item-- a cushion! Your unique perspective transforms it into biting satire of our fatted lives. Well done!

    Pie

    language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.


    • nish81
      February 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hmm, again, you're right about the final three words, but that would involve putting 'cushion' somewhere in the title, which would make the poem lose its 'who am I' sense.

      "biting satire of our fatted lives" - love that description!

      nish-81-


  • Lad
    January 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Brief and perceptive.

    And just a great read, nish. 39 words about a red, velvety cushion that have a much wider and deeper sense about people and the bloated societies many of us live in - at least that's what I surmise here. "Not sad but pushed in, pressed in" is excellent concentration.
    I do, though, wonder about the necessity of the last 3 words. Seems the poem would end much more sharply without them. Of course, that would mean using the full word "Cushion" in the title. Up to you, as always.
    Another great write, nish. I enjoy your poems!
    Lad


    • nish81
      January 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for the comment Lad, I did indeed mean it as a commentary on societies.

      You're right with your comments on those three words, it felt awkward adding them, but I had intended the poem to be a sort of 'what am I' thing, maybe in the end the poem outgrew what it was intended to be.

      Thanks again,

      Nish


  • nish81
    January 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh crap, that 'C******' better not look like it's being censored, it's meant to be 'cushion'

1 - 11 of 11