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A personal poem, and also I didn't edit it.

Comments

• By me, right now

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• Piano Guy
  February 25, 2007
  
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  This is quite nice. The ideas come together nicely, and you end the poem well... There's something about it that needs more, though. I think you could add some lines to this. Perhaps describe why you feel the way you do about this person. Just a suggestion... It's still a good poem, though! Well done!

  
• • 
    nish81
    February 25, 2007
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    Thanks

    ...for the comment PG. I understand what you mean about a sort of fragmented idea, but with this poem, I wasn't trying to express how I felt about the person - I wanted to keep it small and simple.
    
    Thanks!
    
    nish(81)
• 
  jewell
  February 15, 2007
  
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  well...

  I see no connection between lines 5 and 6. It's not understandable at first glance, but it's quiet expressive. Good!
• • 
    nish81
    February 16, 2007
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    with lines 5 and 6, I'm trying to liken diamonds to "Tiny embedded centres of light"
    
    Thanks for the comment!
    
    nish(81)
• 
  William McGarvey
  February 9, 2007
  
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  Hi,

  I like the symbolism of diamonds falling like rain drops crashing to the ground. Maybe symbolizing that even if we think we are tough as diamonds, we can still be very fragile under certain circumstances.
  
  A very imaginative poem
  
  Bill
  
  

  language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
• • 
    nish81
    February 10, 2007
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    Thanks -

    - for the comment! Yep, that's one way of looking at the analogy to diamonds I guess - didn't think of that one!
    
    Thanks,
    
    nish(81)
• 
  Windhover
  February 7, 2007
  
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  Poetic thought

  For me the kernel of good poetry is good poetic thought which should then be as well served by the wordcraft of the poet as he can possibly make it. Your description here of raindrops as tiny embedded centres of light which later turn out to be people or souls is genuinely and originally poetic.
  However the diamond analogy, while it worked well with the light and raindrop parts of your imagery here, was unfortunately at odds with the fragility you required for the ultimate devastation, diamonds being the hardest substance known to man and virtually indestructible.
  I also feel the inclusion of capitals to start every line and the presence of too much conventional punctuation hinders the 'flow' it comes so close to acheieving. But essentially it's a damn good write and has subtlety and accomplishment well beyond your tender years. Good Write. >W<

  language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
• • 
    nish81
    February 7, 2007
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    Thanks for both your constructive comments, they really helped me to understand how my poem could be improved.
    I understand how the diamond analogy doesn't fit in the best, although I couldn't think of another suitable object that inspired the same feeling in me...maybe a crystal?
    
    Hmm, I'll also have to think about your suggestion about not starting every line with capitals: it's just something I'm too used to, but I should change that.
    
    Thanks,
    
    nish(81)
• 
  Lad
  February 3, 2007
  
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  Neatly imaged, nish.

  I like the persona of the poet becoming rain, especially raindrops enhanced into diamonds - rich metaphor. The prospect of a loved one leaving is pain indeed, and the notion of the left-behind one being dashed like raindrops to the ground is perfect.
  
  I do, though, think it needs some minor editing (I know you say you haven't yet edited it). There is a small logical problem: in the first few lines, the poet strongly implies that he's become raindroops that have already fallen to the dashing ground. But at the end of the poem, he's not yet been "crashed."
  
  I think that, in the first three or four lines, you wanted to say that OTHER raindrops have already fallen, but you haven't as yet. But, the phrasing in those early lines seems to indicate that the poet, as rain, has ALREADY fallen. Perhaps the adjustment of a word or two might make your intents a bit clearer? Just a suggestion, if you choose to edit.
  
  Good poem, though. Fraught with sadness, like a gray rain.
  
  Lad
• • 
    nish81
    February 4, 2007
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    Thanks Lad!
    I see what you mean about the ambiguity there. I actually have a 'no editing poems once I've posted them' policy, but if I was to edit it, maybe I would change it to this:
    
    Sparkling diamonds,
    I watch, as
    They crash against the ground -
    
    Seems a bit clearer.
    
    Thanks for your comments, you caught everything I tried to make this poem mean!
    
    Nish)81(