Hands stained red,
scarred and bloody.
one sin withering
a field of white lilies.
life surrounded by desolation,
toxication
roots grow deeper,
contaminating rich soil
with a swirling
rainbow of oil.
Assassination of beauty,
simplistic purity,
consumed,
reduced to ashes.
Please tell me what you think
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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I'm guessing it's about incest. I like the swirling rainbow of oil, really goes with the background, hehe. I think you should keep working on it, maybe it needs a little more concreteness to get across what you want to say? I really like the imagery though, the "one sin withering a field of white lilies" and the "roots grow deeper, contamintating rich soil..."
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hey nightengale
because you asked i would scrap this completely. I agree with the comment by nubulae moss. i think if your in a writing slump write something concrete. i think absraction simply leads to more absraction and its frustrating to not really say something.
dave -
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thank you. i think I'm going to mess with it a bit more. I don't work well with concrete poems and usually write abstract ones...infact, the only concrete poem I've ever written is Wintry Mausoleum. However, I am also going to take your advice and try more concrete poems. maybe that actually will help me out of this slump
julia
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I like it, with some changes.
Julia, this is fairly good, I think; a lament about possibly physical or psychological or sexual abuse. Its images are strong and concentrated. It's a moving work.
Here's what I'd suggest:
line 3: "your sins withered"
line 9: "with a spoiling"
line 14: "reduced to bleakness"
You might try them, see what you think.
But I do feel that the poem is worth keeping with some adjustments. A fairly good poem could become a very good one.
Lad -
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thanks lad. i did make some of the changes you suggested, though I'm still deciding if i like them better than what i had before. I plan on working this poem, because i really like the image that's in my head. julia
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Okay, so there are good points to this, but it feels really random. Like vaguness over vagueness. I get the point, but it doesn't pack the punch. It is easy to write in abstracts, but i suppose you have to ground the abstracts as well, to create that poem. I remember you telling me about being in the rut (as i said i was to), but i think your pushing hard here. There are a mix of imagery to this. It feels as if you are throwing out phrases after phrases. I suggest you try to separates images into stanzas,like line 1 and 2 go together...then build the stanza from the lines that go together.
I don't know if that would work. Its a suggestion. I hope it helps.
hope to read the new one soon.
i'm not sure if this is about abuse...there is a hint of it, but i think its something else. i'll muse over that a little more.
-iphios -
i think this is really good. just one problem- the title has absolutely nothing to do with the poem. maybe you like it that way but i think it would be better if you either, 1. changed the title or 2. added something that referenced to the title, like
they say killing a man grows you up fast
daddy im not a little girl anymore
or something that refers to the title. unless you like it this way.
anyway, other then that this is a really good poem. you should definetly keep working on it.
good job,
-Colin -
There seems to be a theme here about loss of innocence. I love your choice of words, and I like the poem exactly how it is. I might change a few of the words to make it flow a bit better (i.e. "roots growing deeper," and I might remove the comma after "purity." ...just some SMALL personal things. It's all entirely up to you). I also think the title is good as it is. If it weren't for the title, we could interpret this poem much more liberally. I mean, if I just read the words without the title, I might think it was referring to the destruction of nature on Earth by man's pollution (The imagery is all there. Read it a few times with that frame of mind, and you'll see what I'm talking about). The title lets me know that that's not what this poem's about. I think it's about the total destruction of innocence within a human being by some means that isn't concretely expressed here. This is a wonderful poem. Keep writing!
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Hey Julia,
How’s things?
After reading L1, L2 is (almost) redundant why not use that as an opportunity to offer a little more info, some why? - e.g:
Hands stained red
as I crushed grapes
Hands stained red
from holding back the woman
that was dripping from me.
Hands stained red;
ritually clutching at the past
As you can see it allows a more specific development of the poem and can vary depending on the exact image you are going for.
‘Lilies’ is a little clichéd for an image if innocence, you can do better.
I struggle a little to understand the next few lines, we have just had the flowers wither, yet their roots grow deeper? Perhaps if the ‘toxin ’ ‘traced’ the roots?
Then where does the rainbow of oil come from? (the description is quite vivid) but the opening lines describe red? Changes like this without clear reason make the read seem very fragmented and choppy.
Then the end what exactly is reduced to ashes, the lilies have already withered, the roots are poisoned, here again it seems as if you have jumped without a clear landing spot.
I think this has potential, it just needs a single metaphor which develops throughout the poem providing a clear link each of the thoughts.
If motivation to write is not there, don’t delete anything! – perhaps the particular poem you are working on does not end up working out for you, but you never know ,it may just contain that line or idea that is needed in another.
All the best
hobby
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I would definitley keep working on it....it would be a cool poem to extend
Try not to complicate it too much though....keep it somewhat simple.
The only thing I would reccommend is to add more of an image to it by using imagery. Your poem does contain imagery...but just not enough to create a clear image. The only thing that really seemed clear to me was the "hands stained red", the "roots grow deeper", and the "reduced to ashes part". Try adding more lines like that in between and using them as transitions. It would help create a clearer image for the reader.
Other than that nice job, I really enjoyed it!
Also, if you get a chance I would really appreciate it if you read my new poem "Can you take me home"...I spent so much time on it and no one has really commented on it....
Anyways, keep writing, I really enjoy your work
Nick
NebulaeMoss
February 4, 2007
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