a walk in a field, sepia toned.
achromatic
gloomy
A young crow of black
like most I have have seen
perched most peculiar, wing splayed
awkward...
Though many of these birds
have graced my sight
this one
caused me anguish,
I saw his actions, so like my own
unstable, unanswered, ungrasping
barely holding himself up,
wings spread wide
He was weak
Grevious wounds,
much like mine
we had made mistakes
splayed, he ceased
and fell,
writhing,
all I could do was stare
as a fleeting moment, of seeing myself
came to an end, deeply disturbed I fled, found myself alone
remembering a bird, like any other
anguishing my thoughts, turning me dark
though in a way, I was inspired
this crow, so much like me...
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Author notes
silence...
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Comments
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very good how you compared the crow to your sadness =)
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Awsome
I love how you compare yourself to a crow. There is alot of meaning behind that. I also love how you describe the moment and the feeling between yourself and the bird. Very Nice.
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Kitten, this is good. I have a few suggestions, though, if you don't mind that I think will really tighten the whole thing up. It's a wonderful poem as is though.
In line 5 involving the reader like that with "you" there doesn't really work for me. It seems like such an introspective piece that that interrupts the tone for me. You could say "like most I have seen" or "like most that are seen" but I personally don't like having "you" there. I'd have to say that it interrupts from YOUR musings. It's not about me or anyone else, it is about YOU, keaton.
I think in line 8 "hath" MUST be "have". hath makes it sound romantic and everything, but I'm nearly certain that is the wrong way to use it. I think usually it's "she hath done your bidding, sir" used as "has" not "have".
It seems to me that in lines 23-25 should be one sentence, that the beginning is 23 and it ends there. Such as "As a fleeting moment of seeing myself came to an end, deeply disturbed I fled, and found myself alone etc." I also like the rhyme there between "end" and "fled" it's kind of hidden and very subtle, but superbly done.
So there are my suggestions. I think it's a great start, and it's good, but could be great if you took the time to look it over and give it even more love. Nice one, though Kitten.
Nienna -
Your a true romantic...
I love your words...language: 5, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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