How wisely we are made
with a heart to love and feel
with all our memories often fade
a mind to judge and heal
No one can hack from my heart
the deeply rooted memories
his innocent smile a real art
brings in mind sweet reveries
I still feel the talk I had with him
ever green are waves he left in air
childhood days will never go dim
- I carry the same love and care
Gone are the years faster than light
I wanted to see you standing grown
pining to meet your eyes so straight
with love and pain, my youthful morn
Years together I stand, wait and seek
in want of you to live the life I need
alas! Stands there a bar rigid but weak
ready to unwater the deeply sown seed
Our story begins when you stand by me
The life we dream, for life and free
Make me your Queen, lead me by hand
To a life of love in our native land
My heart has been yours, since that sweet day
Each day I wake, just the more I pray
The time has come, for our lives to blend
My heart, My Love, to you I will send
Wishes come true, to those who will wait
I'll be at my home, and wait by the gate
Our bond is true, an inseparable thing
At the vision of you, my heart will sing
|
Please tell me what you think
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
-
Gentle
A soft smile followed through this poem as it meandered from past to present and to hopeful future. If it were mine (and it isn't) I think I would have condensed it and thus found intensities which now move from verse to verse and rhyme to rhyme. "Strawberries"? That definitely stood out by itself, needing more to let it fit. Something was needed there to rhyme with "memories"? [stories, glories, reveries, calories, fantasies, species, rhapsodies, menageries, worries, allegories, theories, histories.--enough to last for a while! ]
Great starting line. It's probably just me, but I needed to see it (or a reference to it) again through the body of the poem to validate its being there at all.
Still, it did remind me of sunny afternoons in the shade of a spreading oak tree, with the afternoon to relax and let the mind wander among pleasant thoughts. We all need that from time to time. Thank you.
Terry
. Rewarded 4
-
nice
Yup, this poem sure did make me smile. Beautifully written...reminds one of ones 1st real crush...and the longing and the wait.
In the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, you've referred to a mysterious "him"....but the next part of the poem you've directly addressed to a person. Are these supposed to be two different people.
Beutifully written otherwise. Loved the freshness and the style of this poem.. Rewarded 8
-
Simple n Sweet
The poem is a sweet anology of loveful heart.How innocently the heart endrosed by love makes everything possible.No law No rule no methodology involved, Love is love with the fragrance of Trust.
-
Very nice sentiments
I like the heartfelt expressions here that simplify love to it's basic equation, caring and longing for the one who makes your heart sing. True love stands tall for all willing to invest in it with another likeminded individual. Then it becomes beautiful not by virtue of what is brought, but what is built within that mutual trust and love. I enjoyed this, Kiddy; and love should be all these things. If it isn't all there, keep looking.
I hope you finally get together with this crush of yours. Good luck.
Al
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Thank you Al...
Am happy that you like my little poem....
It was a great experience working with new people like IM3.... first 5 stanzas were written by me and rest by Ian Matthews.... Credit goes to him.... .He understood my concept, and message, he made it from my point of view.... but for his finale, this poem wouldn't have been so gentle....
Thanks for reading and commenting....
Lolz
Kiddy
-
-
"Years together I stand, wait and seek
in want of you to live the life I need
alas! Stands there a bar rigid but weak
ready to unwater the deeply sown seed
Our story begins when you stand by me
The life we dream, for life and free
Make me your Queen, lead me by hand
To a life of love in our native land
My heart has been yours, since that sweet day
Each day I wake, just the more I pray
The time has come, for our lives to blend
My heart, My Love, to you I will send"
This was so beautiful and hopeful and sweet. I have no other ways to describe it. All I can say is that it was lovely and full of heart, truly.
I can't think of anything you could add to this.
Your honesty is what makes it alluring.
Wonderful job, and I plan to read more of yours. If you ever need a view, just message me. I'd be glad to read.
xSynth. Rewarded 8
-
Old ways of looking at a new thing...
I admire you for attempting sort of a classical form, and believe me it works, most outstandingly in S6, which is anthemic, it could be the identifying song for any new emerging country, or, as here, in your intent, a love avowal. Now I'm going to tamper a little and please take this as well-intentioned, I ain't tryin' to ruin nothing, just a couple suggestions. S1 - how about this, because I didn't catch the flow in the 3rd and 4th lines.
"How wisely we are made
with a heart to love and feel
(while) all our memory fade(s)
the mind (will) judge and heal"
And S2:
"(No-one) can hack from my heart,
my mind, the sweet reveries
of his innocent smile, real art
that (have rooted in my memories)"
I think you were paying abeyance to the old masters and madams and lost sight of the flow of what you wanted to say. I don't know, but I know that I do it often enough.
S4 - I think it should be "faster (than)"?
Maybe I haven't spent enough time on it but I cannot fathom the last two lines of S5 - Ain't gonna touch it.
S7 - Maybe ought to be "all the more"
and the last stanza - first line "do" instead of "will".
I've been listening to early Dylan, most noticeably "Tombstone Blues" while I've been writing this so it may have colored the reaction to your piece. But, shmoddly enough, his meter is just about the same as this. I'll shut up now, but I'll tell ya this, you're definitely on the right track, road, thruway, sky way, which ever way you choose is best. Ain't it great to be able to commune with poets every day, every night, anytime you want? Cheers - MJ
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Dear MJ....
Kind of you
Glad to receive your note…. Have learned where I went wrong…. See, posting poems here puts a kinda moratorium on it and we don’t feel like giving a second look on it….this poem has conceded all WOW kinda critiques and you were the one to tamper it (let me put it in your words *
* )letting me know few slips… I may rather call it blunder… I wondered how few blunders like “Faster as” (L13) went unnoticed. Thank you MJ…. But for few critiques like you on SP, we young people may think whatever we do are always right…..
I intended to write
How wisely we are made
with
A heart to love and feel
And
A mind to judge and heal
But I wanted a line to rhyme ‘made’…
L3 - Let me change it to “while all our memories fade’ -
Lines 19 and 20 – these lines have something to do with my next poem “Cross the bars…..”
Your note doesn’t reflect your listening to Bob Dylan, but my work may reflect at least a little Dylan Thomas…. Yes…Dylan is one of my life time favourites…..
Thank you MJ….
Love
Kiddy
-
-
I am a big time rhymer. have only written a couple of free verses. And this attempt of yours is delightful. But it still looks a bit rough and could do with some sharpening of the lines.
I agree with the suggestions made by Mojo. The idea is to smoothen the reading. As of now, the rhymes seem to be a bit forced... Do work on this a lil more.
Cheers.
HM. Rewarded 6
-
A beautiful piece. Sweet and innocent, spoken from the heart. I have to agree some rhymes, do seem a little forced and it doesn't need much work, going on what you have created here, I can see you, to be able to do that :-) I am lucky to be in love and so can never turn away a read of a hopeful love poem. This read, made my day
Just such a giving write.
. Rewarded 6
-
good
really nice kiddy i dnt get some words...but good from my view...amn't in a level to comment but i can feel ur words.... Rewarded 4
February 20, 2007
Edit | Reply