Metal click of a car door
she whispers "hello?".
Only silence answers
but your porch-light still shimmers.
The door falls open,
a welcoming gesture.
A soft rush of your scent
taunts her with your absence of presence.
At least you smiled
before you left.
Author notes
My friend NickleSixx helped me with this last night. Wondering what you guys think.
Is the title alright?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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You already have commetns so I will leave it plain.
Nice job,
Ashley
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great!
"absence of presence" will be a more engaging tilte I think. It's a beautiful poem. very simple words with a lot meaning. The last two lines are a gem. keep writing1!!
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Thanks
I'm glad you like the last two lines are what started this poem in the first place.
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Yeah.
I think it sounds better without "the" in the first line which is what I was trying to say last night but I was having a hard time concentrating. But I love the taunting line I came up with and I love even more where you took it. This one is wonderful. -
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me too
I always love it when we work together
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Flash fic
Hey, LCJ, this is a damn good little piece. Have you ever heard of flash fiction? It's a popular new style of short story. It's a short story in a paragraph or two, usually accompanied by a photo, in which, literally, a snapshot of life is conveyed. Your title made me think of it immediately, and you've accomplished exactly what flash fic generally sets out to do, with excellence!
The poetic tone and attention to sensory details is an added bonus.
Cheers,
Pie
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thats amusing
I've never heard of Flash fic before but Nicklesixx is going to help me take a photo to go with the poem.
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51 words for a moment of estrangement...
...and disappointed loss. Really tight, sharp writing, LCJ. I like its careful control of what could have been, in lesser hands, a weepie. But you didn't go there; instead you went for one of those terrible moments that are so hard to put into a brief poem.
Although it took me a while to get at the point of view (asking myself who is "you" and who is "she") I think I figured out that "you" is the someone leaving in silence, and "she" is the poet. Sorry if I didn't get that right, but I sure was - maybe still am - unsure of the persona speaking.
But no matter, really. Nifty phrases such as "absence of presence", the title (I like it), "a welcoming gesture," and the first line are stunning in their brevity and images. (I do wonder if "The" in the first line is really necessary?)
Good read for me, LCJ! And a painful one for "she."
Lad
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Thank you
I am really glad you like it, "you" is the one leaving. "She" is the one he is leaving. I took out the the for your right it isn't needed. Thanks for the time you took to comment.
-LCJ-
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