Art is born of pain
Pain the prophet of beauty
I am not afraid
|
|
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Some revision required
Hi,
I am quite a fan of the Japanese short form poetry. The theme of this fits well with the Senryu genre. There is much debate on whether modern and English Haiku & Senryu need to conform to the 5-7-5 syllable count, my own preference is that it does. I also hold the opinion that due to the brevity of the piece each word must be selected for maximum impact. In both Haiku and Senryu the poem should offer two distinct divisions usually by a split at the end of the first or second lines, a semi-colon or dash being the common device. The aim being to modify and enhance the meaning of the previous section.
I think the first line would read better if at allowed the possibility that Art could be born of emotion or feelings other than pain. Deletion of 'is' would achieve this, of course it would also effect the syllable count, however, the addition of 'out' before 'of pain' would rectify this.
The second line of your posting feels forced, probably to meet the syllable count, the repetition of the word pain being redundant in a poem such as this. The closing line stands on it's own and is quite suitable to follow the caesura.
I liked the term ‘prophet of beauty’ but feel, on whole, that the poem doesn’t quite hit the mark.
Rgds
hobby -
Very fine.
I like this, Trew. Haikus may look easy, but they require great concentration of thought fitted into words and images within a very strict form. You've done that here. I especially like your choice of "prophet" - a prophet not only gives hints of the future, but also voices a reminder to us about the most elemental experiences of life. And it's the perfect word to balance the poem.
The last line is sudden and revealing of the mind behind it; a good haiku should do that too, and here it does.
I hope you've dismissed the smartass idiocy of shadywordsmith's comment below (and I see no attempts at haikus on his/her page; in fact, no poems are posted there.) The idea within your haiku existed millennia before Hegel - the early 19th century thinker whose notion of one force, balanced by an opposing force, produces a third central force (thesis, antithesis, synthesis). Human experience was already well familiar with that ancient cycle; Hegel simply intellectualized it.
I think your haiku speaks to that ancient cycle of the genesis of art beautifully; besides, it's personalized nicely in your last line. Good writing, I think, and good reading for me.
Lad
-
hegelian idea but poor wording
-
I must agree that the poem is original and succinct. I very much like the second line... it's a wonderful metaphor and image. Very well-written haiku.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 5.
-
Very nice
A very nice haiku. And with a very original theme for a haiku.
Good work
Bill
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
Unflinching, uncompromising, strong-- a wonderful utilization of the form.
Cheers,
Pie
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
