She entered so softly
heart fluttering with bravery,
Musty smoke-filled room,
whose shadowy occupants
barely noticed.
Holding below eye level
she flowed with the floor,
reaching the bar, as the door
latched softly behind her.
Slender trembling fingers,
(much too young to be here)
hauling out glossed plastic -
fake ID, worse sincerity.
The careful bartender
who tends not to care
Dishes out chemicals,
She takes her first
Nervous sip,
Soft arms on
smoke-stained cedar.
Figures lose their shadow
winking eyes stare from creaking chairs,
She casts a small
stare downwards, but a
rising rose blush betrays all.
Winking eyes, their owners
far from innocent.
She thought she had them,
In the palm of her hand.
The next day,
bitter tears.
Out of the ordinary
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Great.
No much to say.It is great.The story can be told at a few words.It is funny how the inocence thieves behave.They make the vistim feel in control and after the work is done to inocent become guilty.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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sharp obersvations with your comment - you're right, thieves do often make the victim feel in control.
good comment, thanks again!
nish[81]
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You're welcome, nish.
It's interesting that you didn't write the line: "Figures lose their shadow." Do you know who did? It's so good I'd like to follow it up. Thanks.
Lad -
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I'm sorry, I wrote that comment wrong. I did actually write the line, but what I meant was that I didn't write it -specially- - like, I didn't edit it to make it perfect or anything, it just came out that way in the first draft and I didn't give it much attention. I am the original author though. Hope that cleared it up!
nish(81)
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I like this one, nish.
It has a melancholy but objective view of a scene, a distance from the events in it. That poetic distance gives it, I think, a coolness - just right for the subject. Many fine lines in it, but I especially like: "Figures lose their shadow" - for me, it's the most purely poetic line in the poem.
Is it a real event? Whether or not, it's a good read for me, an ironic one.
Lad
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Many thanks for your comment Lad. I'm glad you caught the melancholy-ness of the poem as I had planned that, but I actually didn't write the line you pointed out specially. Happy you liked it though!
Nah, it's not a real event. Just a random thought.
Thanks,
nish*81*
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I don't think it's crap. It just needs some work. You may even have to edit it...gasp! For me, the present tense you introduce in the fourth stanza works better than the past tense you have in the first three. I see, however, that it could be that you change it there for a reason, but I think that it could be introduced differently, if so. Maybe brackets or parentheses? Just a thought, I don't rightly know, it just seems to me that it would give it another element to have that particular part definitely separate from the rest of the poem. OH, and at the beginning of the fifth stanza is it a typo, supposed to be "figures" not "figured"? Maybe not, that's just what I see. It's growing on me the more I read, but my suggestion still stands...good job, though.
Nienna -
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Hey Nenni, (that rhymes doesn't it? lol)
OMYGOD...not the - the - EDITING! Seriously though? I actually changed the tenses unconsciously without even thinking about it, and I'll take a better look at that tomorrow (when I'm not so sleepy!). It's not really like me to do that, but I must have had some sort of reason, right?
Thanks for pointing out the typo! I guess I'll HAVE to edit that one out
nish/81\ -
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Mwahahahaha!! But seriously, I think if you'd just EDIT this POEM it could be GREAT...argh! However, if it is an artistic step you will not take (like Mozart...I always KNEW there was a reason I didn't like him...lol) I can possibly be alright with it. Just know that I think this poem could be magnificent (no pressure no pressure no pressure no pressure lol).
Nenni -
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Hmm. You're really making me think about this. Maybe I'll do it as a weekend project or next week when I'm away for a camping trip with school...MAYBE. Or maybe not. Either way, there'll be more poems
Nish [81]
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Hi Nish
I think it worked very well. One gets drawn into the poem quickly and it is an interesting read about a relatively dangerous subject.
Bill
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thanks Bill, nice to read a comment of yours!
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this is my first long-ish poem, kinda crap at that. please give suggestions for improvement!
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