These empty words slip out with ease
One lonely heart they try appease
But these words, they cannot say
What truly I feel anyway
Why do I try to express
My anger and my loneliness?
Words, they cannot hope to give
Ideas of what it means to live
I say "I wish, I wish it were."
Means nothing to the listener
He knows what he thinks is real.
It comes not close to what I feel
I say "I love, I love her so."
I love her more than you could know.
But how can someone even care
When all they feel is noise and air?
What do words know of my love,
Divine as angels from above?
Know they of my jealousy?
They know nothing that tortures me!
These empty words slip out with ease
One lonely heart they try appease
But these words, they cannot say
What truly I feel anyway
Author notes
This was written in frustration that there's no way words can express my feelings for someone adequately. ...I suppose it's why I'm a musician instead of a speaker.
Is there any way I could have got my point across more efficiently?
Comments
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"They try [to] appease?" I thought the flow was slightly interrupted without the "to" in there. I love the line, "[words] They cannot hope to give ideas of what it means to live." That was a way good job on the pathos. It wasn't a bad piece. It was exactly my type of subject, but otherwise, it wasn't bad. I think you did a good job of sticking to your main theme while digressing at the same time.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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I feel our experiences to be very parallel to one another. I wrote a poem with this exact title and it was about the same exact thing. I FEEL YOUR FRUSTRATION!
Your poem flows very well and has great rhythm but the lines "What do words know of my love, Divine as angels from above?" came off as somewhat cliche to me but at the same time I don't think you would want to change them they allow the poem to flow and I don't know what you would replace them with anyway--just my opinion though.
The third and fourth sections were by far my favorite!
"When all they feel is noise and air?" Great line!
I look forward to reading more of your writings. Hope this comment helps a little.
I will try to provide more in-depth comments next time around. I feel there is more constructive criticism to lend but I'm afraid I haven't the energy at the moment, very sorry.
Keep up the great writing!
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Anguish of the lonely heart.
Simply and plainly expressed, like one of Chopin's sad little Preludes. It has an honesty about it that's appealing; it doesn't try to gussy-up its melancholy with high-toned words, and the repetition of the first stanza at the end keeps the poem's tone as a song intact. I enjoyed this one.
Since you ask, I do have a couple thoughts for revision, which, of course, are entirely up to you. I'm generally not a fan of contemporary thought put into old-style formats (capital letters beginning each line, exactly identical rhymes throughout, regular meter hardly varying) but your poem fulfills those rules nicely. Anyway, here's my thoughts:
The line "it comes not close" is a bit clumsy; maybe "it never comes close" would be more natural.
The line "Know they of my jealousy?" is unnatural speech (19th century style, just to get the rhyme). Perhaps "They know nothing of my jealousy" would be smoother, and it would have the 4-beats that the rest of the poem's lines have.
Good read for me.
Lad
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