He stands, watching, in the distance...
Her beauty is breathtaking.
She is pure perfection,
Put on this humble Earth
By God Himself.
He stands, watching, in the distance...
Does he deserve her true love?
The man, who looks afar,
Wanting love so divine,
Wishing for her.
He stands, watching, in the distance...
And what is the beauty's name?
The name of beauty is hers,
And the fire in his heart
Burns so brightly.
He stands, watching, in the distance...
But to a post he is tied, and he cannot reach her.
He is gagged, and cannot shout to her.
Truly, the fire in his heart burns more brightly
Than the fires of the torches below,
But he will soon burn a brighter red, and then a darker shade,
Because his fires burned for her.
As his muffled, frantic cries fill the air,
He thinks upon his foolishness-
For the stake cares not for the fires of love,
And tears of longing are quickly licked away by death's flames.
He glows, staring, in the distance...
Author notes
This, I feel, is my current best work of poetry. I'd rather leave it up to interpretation than spell it out for you. You'll have to interpret this one yourself.
Is there any way I could have brought the point home more clearly?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Thinking about this...for awhile now...and i still cant come up with something to think to say...its good ill give you that...its very emotional. you put alot of thought into it...some of it...doesnt come together for me...unless i read it over and over..and then it clicks...for some reason i cant get my head around this...but its good..in all aspects of a good poet...
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Great poem.
This poem is a celebration for beauty, it is clear, simple , emotive and fresh.I think you we re inspired by someone or some situation that impacts on your mind and soul at the same time.Tose kind of extasis infront something "glowing"
What can be glowing? a moment , a sight,a sound(if you re into music) a landscape.
You express this shocking very clearly and flamely.I like how it goes.
You dont sacrifice the meaning in the name of tone or structure and that is corageus.HOPE TO RED MORE FROM YOU SOON.
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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This poem really takes a deep look at the underworkings of falling in love. I really liked how you reference the fire of his love and wanting in his heart throughout the whole poem. It makes it easier to identify with when there is something, such as a symbol or picture, that you can latch onto and understand for yourself throughout the poem. Really moving...
Shorty -
Not bad for an early draft.
PG, the sentiment of burning away from an unrequited love is charming, and true too. I like that idea framed within the poem.
But, on the whole, it's much too hysterical in its diction, loaded with cliches, and over-theatrical - adolescent in its images.
That doesn't mean to say that it's a loss; only that it needs a sharp pruning pencil; in other words, lots of revision. A fair poem then might become a good one.
Lad -
Wow. Truly breathtaking. I love the first stanza. Although a bit trite, I still love it. The repetition of "He stands, watching, in the distance..." is nice, and for me, at least, I could feel his longing for her, his silent yearnings unvoiced.
The second and third stanzas are so romantic. That he is burned at the stake for loving her so passionately proves his undying love for her. That even after he is dead, "He glows, staring, in the distance..." Wonderful.
Snaps,
S
language: 3, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Ok you asked for a comment and a comment I shall give! I have to admit that when you say I have to interpret it for myself I am a little intimidated and disappointed, but I'll definitely give you first impressions...I just don't know how well-formed they'll be
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I like that you've repeated "He stands, watching, in the distance" throughout the first stanza and then you give it a slightly different twist at the end (that in itself was a great line). That was just a general thought, now I'll go stanza by stanza (I must warn you, you asked for my ramblings!).
I have to admit that I find the first stanza a tiny bit cliche. It seems like you have a great thought and you're just getting a tiny bit too caught up in how it's already been expressed. I understand that it's difficult to write a poem giving another person's emotions because you end up assuming a slightly detached position. I will try to be as helpful as I can and point out what I find cliche and how you could (possibly) fix it just so that I can hopefully at least get you to see what I'm saying.
In lines 2 3 and 4 it seems that beauty is a lot of times thought of as "breathtaking" and perfection pure and the earth (when God is involved anyway) is humble. I think you could describe those thoughts much deeper and in your own way. Having read your other work I know it can be done. If you don't want to stretch it out too much there are other adjectives to be found, but I do believe that if you work with a longer description it will ultimately strengthen the poem. I do see the disadvantages, though, and as that is just an opinion, ignoring it is another way to go.
I must say that the second line I really like and now on my third reading I think I'm grasping it more. However, I'll give you my first ideas, too. I like that the first two lines somehow seem to mirror each other because you give a reason why he cannot do such things before you say he cannot do them. I rather like that. Now, for the last two lines my first speculation seems a little bit strange, but when I put it together with what I'm getting now it makes more sense and gives that stanza a deliberance I like. At first I felt you were saying that the fire in him would soon dwindle because a fire gets darker the cooler it is. I wasn't entirely certain WHY he was "cooling off" but now that I noticed "the torches below" I think I'm seeing another side as well as a reason WHY he is "cooling off" (all ironies ignored). Did you intend for him to be burning at the stake because of his love for her? That's what I'm getting and I'm seeing both the literal sense of the "burning brighter red and then a darker shade" as well as his death being a dwindling of his spirit. That's a strange interpretation but that's what I got.
The rest, then, with that in mind makes more sense. As I've already mentioned I like the way you twist the last line to be a mirror of the first couple times you say it but to be its own. And when you said "he glows, staring..." I got an image of him glowing but also that he's glowering and the world which did not let him love her.
Good job with this. I've made my suggestions and given you my impressions and my verdict is that overall this is good but could be great. If the first stanza were as strong as the others it would be incredible, actually. Hope that counts as a serious comment Nice job
Nienna
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Wow...
Thanks for the wonderful in-depth comment. I think I understand the reluctance to comment on the part of some people now a little more... I need to say what it is I'm trying to say. I just love to hear others' interpretations of my work, because it lets me know if I'm getting the idea across correctly, and sometimes it gives me a better idea of what was actually going on in my head when my creativity was flaring up to write it.
Now, to answer your question, yes, I did intend for him to be burning on the stake because of his love for her. The entire poem is a metaphor, but it sticks mostly to concrete statements. What I mean is that when it's time to move on from loving someone you know you can't have, you'd better do it, or it will kill you on the inside (and the best way to describe what it does to you is a slow burning away to nothing, as described here.). In a metaphorical sense, because he could not stop loving her, even "from a distance," he was burned. It's a sad statement, and one I know all too well... I suppose he does "cool off" in the end, but only because there's nothing left to burn; no fuel left for the fire. He is utterly destroyed because of his love for a woman who can not/will not love him back.
That is my own explanation for what I wrote here. Thanks again for commenting! I appreciate the feedback. -
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Yeah...I really love commenting on other people's stuff it gives them my ideas and then they give me theirs...it's a nice exchange, and I'm always happy when there's a lot to get my brain thinking about. Sometimes I need prompting though (like on this one) but I think I'm a pretty good person to ask for a critique if you want some...strange thoughts hahaha.
Yes, I see what you are saying now. I think it's a bold statement and not one I would necessarily agree with, but I have to admit I have little experience with that (as of yet...I mean, it's kind of in the process of happening now) so all of that combined probably kept me from seeing that initially.
I'm very glad to comment, I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries or anything and that I wasn't rude...I just gave you my opinion! But I totally respect any poetic choices you make disregarding all of that! Cheers -
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Of course you weren't rude. I asked for opinions, and you gave yours. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and write so much about my poem. Thanks!
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I like it, it is great *clap*
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Thanks
Thanks for the serious comment, Tommy! I appreciate it.
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