My dad wanted to look at property sites
So I tell him, “Go to the big bar at the top of the page”
So he does, cautiously
and frustratingly slowly.
“Type in www.rightmove.co.uk”
As I wander into the kitchen, I hear him
Tapping warily on the keyboard
He’s better off shooting rats in his back garden,
Than playing with computers.
I return to find him sitting on the sofa,
watching an old Western on TV,
the computer, untouched.
The fish tank screen saver glowing.
“Nothing you liked?” I ask
“No,” he says “I couldn’t find the co button.”
Author notes
I really don't like the form of this one. The idea I like but it's not very well written. I'd appreciate any feedback on this one please
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like its free versed styled. It puts across the point so well of ' the generation gap'. If I could give any advice, it would be to maybe try and break it up somehow. Otherwise I think you have done a great job.
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Hey,
This one explains the generation gap very well. Especially when it comes to computers.
Nice poem
Bill
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Fair, but could be very good.
Hi, SS. I like this poem; I enjoyed its neat anecdotal quality. And the last line's humor is unexpected and droll.
All the bones are there for an enjoyable poem to become a very good one. I think it needs some, but not too much, filling in of feelings and/or character. For example, your line 7 is, for me, the best line in the poem: it has depth - great line. Perhaps filling in a few more such insights could make the poem brighter.
But, still, good writing, and good reading for me.
Lad
PS: I think you want "Than" in line 8, rather than "Then." -
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Thank you Lad
Always appreciative to get a comment from you. I can see exactly what you mean about it. Thankyou very much for the critique
Silver Spirit
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