We drift into it, when on the verge of sleep,
the time when dreams push
through the darkened cloths
into the recesses of your mind,
to dance on the back of your eyes
to envelope you in unfinished stories.
Turbulent tormented tumblings
through a library of tattered pages
and scattered snatches of worlds,
chasing trains.
Unfamiliarly friendly
answering unasked questions,
to confused lovers,
who shake you
and the dream trickles away from you
like the stream
leaving you clutching at reeds.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Oh Wow, This is the stand-out one for me ( so far cause I have more to read, hehehe ). It spoke so beautifully and you have a great choice of lanuguage/wording in this one. Excellent
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
This impression of dreaming...
...appeals to me. It doesn't try to be "poetic"; it captures the evanescent character of dreams with finely wrought images (dreams push through; unfinished stories; snatches of words; chasing trains (my favorite); stream, and many others. It's restrained writing, and I think for that reason, it gathers itself into a poem - and a fine one.
I like this one.
Lad
-
A Sense of a Chimera
Hiding in the wings. I think Morpheus would be chuffed to add this to his collection Ms Spirit.
Whether one of your best or not (alluding to the Worthy Bird´s comment) you certainly struck a chord with my sensibilities here and now.
Many fine lines I thought:
# Turbulent tormented tumblings
# through a library of tattered dreams
# and scattered snatches of worlds,
# chasing trains.
Enjoyed this part especially, although I d switch "dreams" (too obvious) for tomes (or just books?) which hinges nicely to your library metaphor.
Is there something even more intangible than "reeds" ? to avoid a cliche? Ripples? Vapour? Smoke? Might perhaps make for a more striking ending.
Great stuff though. Hiyo Silver!
Warm regards
gG
-
-
Many thanks!
The Worthy bird has a very good point, but I always thought this one had promise! As ever I'm grateful for your comments and will do my best to put them to good use.
Much obliged
Clare aka Silver Spirit
-
-
Feels like you're trying..
...to be rather feeling poetic. Some nice moments like
to dance on the back of your eyes
to envelop(e) you in unfinished stories
and the last 2 lines but overall it didn't really flow or give me any sort of dream state feeling. Felt you were looking for opportunities rather than expressing. No offence but it's not one your best for me. >W<
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
