We live like maggots.
It disgusts me, sometimes - no,
all the time,
how we infest and swarm,
Colonize lands - lo! Here's
an mall, Here's
a restaurant, Here's
a hotel. Room for
more maggots.
Or maybe not, for do
maggots drop explosive rocks
on each other?
Carry twigs,
that fire splinters
in each other?
Boom!
Bye-bye maggots.
Any feedback would be great
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I thought it was me...
Hum, I thought I was the most pathetic around.I like the poem for saying it all in ironic and covered review of unconsistent acts.
Singular and funny.
I am discovering Nish.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks for the comment
lol, no i doubt that you're the most pathetic around - there's plenty worse
thanks again,
nish(81)
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yeah nish
not only do you establish we are no better than maggots but then you take it a step futher that we're not even as good as maggots. then comes the boom may as well get rid of the worse than maggots.
my only complaint is i think theres a lot more, I'd like to hear a long ranting raving scathing rebuke of mankind.
dave -
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thanks for the comment dave!
yeah, I'm sure that a lot more could be written about the faults of humanity, but I prefer to write short poems, and when I reached the end - well, it seemed like the end to me.
I wouldn't mind seeing a long one from you though
nish(81)
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Hi,
You are driving a point home in this poem, so I question L2 -'sometimes' - when are the times you are not disgusted? Perhaps to avoid the possibility of such a deviation this word could be removed?
should L3 not begin in lower case?
why are the 'Here's' on L3-5 capitalized?
I'm likely being a touch pedantic here (but) are maggots the right choice? They don't infest - they are laid, usually in rotten flesh, dung etc. In your metaphor this would imply that we humans are taking over a dead / decomposing world. I think that the image you are going for is that we turn the world into this by our taking it over? Perhaps an insect such as a termite or locust may better suit the metaphor?
Of course if you are suggesting that the world is dead / decomposing then there is an added irony to the latter half of the poem, in that it is still something we are fighting to posses / control.
Love the line 'here's a hotel room for more, maggots’ you could add additional emphasis to this line by changing the previous accommodation statement on L5 to something like 'here's a mall'
Anyway I hope you take my comments in good faith, and that you can find something useful in them, but in the end they are just a point of view
Thanks for posting.
Rgds
hobby
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Hi hobby, and thanks for the great critical comments!
I'll take your suggestions and change the first three lines, get rid of the sometimes and decapitalise the word - great suggestions there!
I'd rather not change the 'maggots' though - I didn't really look at the meaning but when I chose it, but rather the sound and connotations. The word maggots sounds like something dirty, demeaning, insulting, and it certainly carries negative connotations.
I liked the idea of adding 'heres a mall', because a mall is a bigger symbol of human consumption, (etc) than an apartment block, so I used it.
thanks a lot!
nish(81)
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Armaggotten!
Both acerbic and witty, Nish. Short but concise - you say a lot in a few lines. I like also the way you stick close to the thread of your metaphors. Always important.
Upon a second perusal I must say I enjoyed the links you use to refine your flow.
# a hotel. Room for
# more maggots.
A sentence in itself.
# ...twigs,
# that fire splinters
Another fine associative sentence link.
Your choice of language would perhaps mean a "Yo" rather than "-lo" might seem more appropriate to some puritan ears who dislike crossovers of semantic form. But if done to accenuate a point or witticism then it s fine and dandy in my book.
And the ending? Verily, sez it all!
Should make us all squirm.
Regards
gG
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Thanks gG! I'm glad you liked the ending, I tried not to bash the audience over the head with my point and just put it in lightly in the end. Wouldn't adding a 'Yo!' instead of a 'Lo' make it seem more like hip-hop or rap though?
nish(81)
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Cuttingly original!
nish, this is, for me at least, one of your very best. Sharp, quick, precisely worded and imaged. Not one unnecessary word in it. And the maggot metaphor is tightly held throughout the poem.
I enjoyed this one a lot, especially lines 15-16: dry and sarcastic!
Just a thought: I wonder if a period after line 8 would help to separate that thought from the new thought in line 9. Then, perhaps, even using a space between 8 and 9? Doing that would break the poem up into 2 stanzas of 8 lines each, matching the structure of the poem to its thoughts? Up to you, of course.
All in all, I think this one is up there with your "Ten Fingers..." poem - excellent in content and controlled style!
Lad
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Thanks for another great comment Lad, I really appreciate each one!
I see what you mean about the full stop, since there are two separate 'parts' or 'thoughts' in the poem, the full stop would help the poem not 'move' to fast right? Thanks for that suggestion, I think I'll take it - but I don't think that putting a space would help the poem, for two reasons. The first is that I don't think the two parts should be -that- separate - they're related enough to be next to each other. The second reason is that, as you pointed out, putting a space here would split the poem into a structure of two eight line stanzas - the key word for me here is 'structure'. Maybe this sounds stupid, but with this poem I'm trying to criticize human civilization, and a set structure seems too close to civilization for my taste - I hope you see what I mean?
thanks for the comment again!
nish(81) -
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Good thinking.
nish, I see what you mean about not separating the poem into 2 stanzas; makes good poetic sense -the period stop now does the job.
It's quite unusual for a young poet to be so conscious of the relationship between form and content, so I congratulate you for being sensitive to that.
Lad -
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Thanks
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