Raindrops -
on a lake,
teary bubbles of composed water
stroll through the air, leaving
wide watercolour brush strokes
that fatten, feasting
on the moisture around them.
A billowing wing
of air
caresses a raindrop, with a
sweeping, sensual touch.
Here comes the water now
and, just for an instant, it
hovers
spectral train shimmering behind it, and
the world
skips a heartbeat.
Then it
accelerates
shaking but resolute,
down towards doom
and smashes
against the rock-hard -
(for a raindrop?)
lake;
the rain
drops
on a lake.
Any comments or thoughts at all are very welcome!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I'll be honest, Nish of the 81, the beginning didn't get me. But the end did. Through line 11 I was thinking to myself..."come on, Nish, enough with the 'nature-poemy-everything's-so-beautiful-and-I'm-observant' stuff...I want some good stuff!" No, really, I was. I would imagine that if I were to break it into stanzas (which I wouldn't, I like it the way it is, a continual flow, like rainfall) it would be lines 1-11 first stanza, 12-17 second stanzas, and 18 to the end the last stanza. By that token, I thought that it accelerated and caught my interest more with each passing segment that I mentioned. By the time I got to your line 24, that simple and yet intriguing question, I was nearly breathless in awe, caught up in the way that it sped toward that moment and then, with not a backward glance, "the rain/drops/on a lake" (by the way, that was MAD BRILLIANT word play, probably the best I've seen. And no, I'm not exaggerating. So maybe not one of your tightest (for me) all the way through, the end was incredible. Left me in awe. I'll never watch rain in quite the same way. Nice, Nish (sorry, I haven't commented much lately, I'm neglecting my poetic duties for drama...but I'll be around hopefully more after thursday and the conclusion of exams...just ask if you want anything reviewed, I'm feeling revitalized!)
Ntothe3
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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hey Ntothe3...im sorry i haven't been catching up on comments/poems lately, but i have a damn good reason - my computer melted on friday
but it was getting kinda old, so here i am on a new macintosh laptop replying to you
well, i appreciate a lot the critique you gave my poem...i actually felt much the same way when i was writing it, kinda like 'ok, ok, when can i stop with the damn nature bit and start WRITING?'
im glad you caught up on that, now im off to do drama homework...coincidentally
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Haha, good luck with the drama! And congrats about the new computer
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Wow, I really like this one, nish. Rain and bodies of water by themselves are so delightfully soothing, and the two of them together have a special magic that you have perfectly evoked here. As others noted, your final lines do indeed capture the sound of rain falling. Great work!
Pie
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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thanks cpie, I'm glad you liked this one!
nish(81)
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Great choices in revising, nish...
and now the lovely thing couldn't be more lyrical. Your decision about the ending is perfect - it sounds like drops! I like this one now ever more.
Lad -
Nice poem Nish,
I really liked the “world skipping a heartbeat” line, very imaginative. There is nothing better than to listen to raindrops on a lake. Or to read a poem about it.
Nice read Nish
Bill
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Tenderly lyrical...
...with a touch of sorrow. Simply beautiful!
I savor the images metaphored from an ordinary rainfall into what, for my eyes at least, is a Japanese Zen painting. Its deft strokes avoid the pitfall of personalizing nature; instead, it makes nature personal, as good lyrical poetry should do.
All of it is a joy to read and take in, but my favorite has to be:
"...leaving
wide watercolour brushstrokes
that fatten, feasting
on the moisture around them."
Pure visualization. Pure poetry. And other images, too, are a joy:
"shaking but resolute"
"A billowing wing / of air / caresses a raindrop / with a sweeping sensual touch..." (I've dropped the commas there; what do you think? - and I also wonder if a comma is needed after "smashes"?). And "doom" and "smashes" introduce the sad sorrow touch in a loving way.
Do you think that "raindrops - on a lake" needs to be repeated three times in the poem, including the title? Would it be better to let the reader feel that theme on his own without the constant reminder? That redundancy might be partly avoided by adjusting the ending to:
"...and smashes
against the rock-hard
(for a raindrop?)
lake with
all
drops." ??????????
Doing something like that would also end the poem in the plural, where it began. Up to you, nish. By the way, that "?" after "raindrop" is subtle and perfect; how could the poet possibly know how it feels for the raindrop?
Lovely.
Lad
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Lad, I really have to thank you for this comment - you're an amazing critic! I took your advice and dropped two of the three comments you suggested, I decided to leave the one after 'raindrop' in the line "caresses a raindrop, with a", because I wanted at least one pause to slow down the rhythm.
As for the redundancy, you're also right there - I've changed the ending a bit, please tell me what you think!
nish[81]
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