This is the story of the girl beside the lake.
No one knows where she came from,
just that one day she was there.
No one knows her name
for to no one would she speak
but, from sunrise to sunset
she sat there beside the lake.
She looked as if waiting
but nothing came to her.
She looked as if about to cry
but had no tears left to trail down her pale cheek.
She seemed a sad and tortured soul.
That face of hers it gripped you so.
That look of longing and disappointment
to nothing I can compare.
Her face was fair
surrounded by long silken hair.
So fragile did she seem
as if made of porcelain.
Years past, her beauty faded,
Then one day she died there.
There beside the lake
they buried her
in that very spot
in which she’d sat from sunrise to sunset.
And since no one knew her name
her gravestone read
“Here she lays from sunrise to sunset
The Girl Beside the Lake”.
Author notes
I think the punctuation is a little off, help.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Tenderly told story.
LCJ, the scene that's painted here is slowly and gently laid out, and I think with deep feeling; perhaps it has autobiographical tones? I like its steady pace, as though it were going round in a circle. And I could picture the "girl beside the lake" in my mind's eye and feel her loneliness.
It might have too many lines, though - gets redundant and loses some of its power. But its sad undertones do come through for me.
You asked for punctuation help:
line 9: omit comma after 'but'
11: need a period after 'cheek'
13: do you mean 'gripped'?
16: remove comma after 'there'
24: need comma after 'past'
27: remove 'there' - it's already there.
All in all, not really a story, but a beautiful impression.
Lad
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Edited
I edtied the poem a little rmoved some lines, and added your punctuation. Thanks for the time spent reading and comment on my poem.
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Tenderly told story.
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A Big Ask , Red
This really reminded me of a poem we did in school which might just be kicking around your own head unbeknownst ie. 'The Lady of Shallot'. It has a grand style and flirts with grand language searching for a poetic sound and feel. It's a huge ask to do something like this well Red and this didn't really kick off for me. It lacks interest and repeats a lot before coming to no particular conclusion. It seems to lack real involvement from you which is ultimately why it fails. Sorry for the negative on this one, but I really wouldn't agonize over it too much if I were you. My very best. >W<
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