These are the best years,
aren't they?
Young and pretty,
ten pills a day
a walking pharmacy.
Talented and popular
on a first name footing
with the local E.R. staff.
Majoring in medical terminology
how else will I know
they are telling me I'm dying.
These are the best years
because I'm alive.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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wow. this is so powerful. the shortness of this poem also helps with the message it's trying to get across. because it is simple, its more powerful. well done.
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Thank you
size really does matter and sometimes shorter is better
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This is powerful, LCJ...
...because its sorrow is so restrained - you rightfully leave it up to the reader to feel the poet's pain between the plain lines. That "aren't they?" of the second line prepared me, by the question, for a long list of woes in order to bring sympathy from the reader. But you didn't do that, and I'm glad you didn't. Instead, you went on to explain things, real things, that were happening to you. Good writing.
I wonder if the poem could gain even more power and end up with even more honesty by adding one little line toward the end? Something like:
"...they are telling me I'm dying.
These are the best years
aren't they?
because I'm alive."
I say that might seem even more honest because I have a hunch that that's the uncertainty which the poet is really trying to express. I could be WAY off on that, though. Any such change would be entirely up to your very fine poetic sense. Just a thought, LCJ.
I LIKE this very brave poem!
Lad
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considered
Thank you for your time and comment. I am glad you took the time to look deeply into my poem and thank you for the thoughts and suggestions you have shared with me. Begging for sympathy has never been my thing and I am glad that this poem conveyed that.
-LCJ-
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Jester's voice
Alas, this dark tone, shooting straight from the hip, is you back to your poetic best for me, Red. Younger poets here and at Allpoetry have a tendency to be flowery and maudlin about their woes. You have a way with them. There is some dubious placement of capitals (Pretty, Popular, Terminology,) I'd replace 'basis' with 'footing' both as being more appropriate and for the meaning-rhyme with 'walking pharmacy'. And I think I'd lose the last line altogether - it smacks of self-pity which the rest of the poem so refreshingly avoids. Good Write Red. Hope you feel better now. xxx >W<
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Helpful as always
Thank you I'm glad you like it, wrote it in the ER waiting room. After a nurse walked buy and asked how my fish was.However I was waiting for a friend.
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