Rocked by misery
Wrecked by distrust
Broken by ego
Forsaken of joy
Lashed in hurt
Slashed by sorrow
Robbed of smiles
Sobbed in pain
Led in darkness
Fled from light
Toiled in doubts
Soiled by misunderstanding
Ripped of peace
Gripped by fear
Longing to belong
Belonging to nowhere....
How does this sound??
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Beautiful melancholy
I loved the use of language and the writing in general. The emotions in the poem were clearly communicated. I particularly felt line 7 'robbed of smiles', and line 11, 'toiled in doubts', very effective in presenting to us a person surrounded by feelings of devastation.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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An emotional list of sadnesses...
...which went on just long enough to have its impact - any longer and the list would have become boring. But, elydia, its length and its brief lines pack a punch. Good poem for me. I've felt that way many times, often over weeks and months; but, somehow, out of "nowhere", the clouds of melancholy pass - at least for a while. I like that you've honestly expressed your feelings in a tightly worked poem. Good!
Lad
PS: I tried to crack the code of the capital letters in the title, but had no luck; I even tried to read those letters backwards, but got nowhere. Please tell me the meaning, if any, of those capital letters. THANKS! -
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thanks Lad
Hey Lad thanks a lot for your comment.
About the capital letters in the title..well..there was no specific reason behind them.But dont you think "ShrEdDed ApARt" looks more sad and desperate and really shredded than a plain "shredded apart"??I felt so and went in for that combination :-)
Now how do you think it is?
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sad
the poem sounds sad from the beginning till the end...i liked the last two lines the best
Longing to belong
Belonging to nowhere....
good work with short lines.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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dark
this is dark, but beautiful. every line is the perfect simile or metaphor. good job. -
Hi,
I find it quite difficult to be objective when writing an emotional poem, in reading this I have the distance so I’ll be frank:
The main body of the poem reads as a list, the terms are mostly overdone and appear in any number of poems. The last two lines go some way to providing them a meaning but to make the poem stronger I think that the meaning could be linked to the wording in the first stanza. For example rather than just say ‘Robbed of smiles’ how does this relate to ‘belonging’ ? perhaps something like ‘smiles unraveled, tugged loose by the departure of companionship’ and so on.
I know this review probably doesn’t sound too positive, but I only offer my opinion because I sense that there is something real behind the emotion in this and feel that there are possibilities to develop this.
Thanks for the opportunity to read and comment.
Rgds
hobby
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Great!
My heart ached after reading this one. A very powerful and moving poem. The beat works very well with this type of poem.
Really good writing, and the ending is terrific!
Bill
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Hi Bill,
Im pleased to see your comment.
Thank you :-)
Lydia.
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Very good
You have written a beautiful poem. full of melancholy and grief. Your words show it. Awesome.....language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Thanks for your comment :-)
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Nice one
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