He shuffles now, he stumbles
Step, step, slow, step.
The cobbles of the street hurt his feet,
through his old brown shoes,
and he has trouble with Stairs and ladders.
The dog ages faster than he does, last I came he didn’t limp.
His muzzle, now gun grey like his masters hair,
like his masters old eyes.
Old man, he hurts now. I see the pain,
hidden and shameful, like his love.
I do not look like him.
His children, five different versions of him.
His eyes have been watered down to us,
Heavy brow and cunning glance.
We do not look like him.
His skin, yellowing, blotched and covered with Navy tattoos,
and names of people I do not know,
hangs off his bones like old sails.
His bones, stiff, like old steel with no oil,
Rusting and reluctant,
like the conversations we have,
He doesn’t know what to say to me.
I am not like him
He rattles like ships.
What say you, Old Man?
Make the tea, put the sausages in the freezer
In the old whitewashed kitchen.
What then? I am not like you
We are generations apart,
Eldest daughter of eldest son.
Where are the pictures of me?
In your tiny cottage home.
Are they hidden? As I live so far away.
You think I should get married,
Get a proper job
What say you, Father of my father
When I say I want to write?
You rattle like ships.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Silver Spirit - I think this is an effective and very evocative portrait of an "old salt." You give us a lot of information without overloading us, we can picture him clearly "shuffling" around the cottage. I have a few minor suggestions, the first being the first line, you could do without "he does not walk anymore," we get a clearer picture of him through your saying "shuffling" than "not walking." I would also set the lines off in some kind of stanza form, Now, all the information is piled on top of the next, a slight pause with a stanza would give us more time to digest the information about him. First stanza could end after "...Stairs and ladders..." then give the dog a three line stanza. Then a stanza beginning with "old man," to "we do not look like him." Next stanza - "His skin yellowing". I would add an "it" to the beginning of the line "hangs off his bones like old sails" which is maybe the best line in the poem other than "...stiff, like old steel with no oil," (maybe "that needs oil") Then I would make one more break at the end and give the last three lines their own stanza. Also just a note on punctuation in the last part of it: Maybe you intended it, but it seems clearer as "What say you Old Man?" and at the end - "What say you Father of my father,/when I say I want to write?" Placement of question marks. Sorry if I over-tinkered, just did it because the rest of it was so good. MJ
-
Hey, Silver. This is a really good write. I agree with John-- this IS a bull's eye in describing a strained relationship between father and daughter, and I also agree that the repetition of certain phrases give this poem its power, and a sort of rhythmic momentum.
I also agree with Cindy that it the ending is a bit lacking--for me, it seems almost unfinished. There's this build-up in describing the father and the feelings of the daughter are clear-- but here's my question: what says she to him? That's something I'd like to see as an ending.
Even if you leave it as is, though, I found this to be a very well-done portrait. I like the comparing of the dog with his master, and the excellent observations of aging.
Cheers,
Pie
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
The ending seemed a little aburpt in this one. Generally I like the whole thing, again i'm feeling like you might have more of my attention by breaking it up slightly. This can sometimes be a good thing when being read by others as your giving them more of a reason and intrigued to scroll down and keep reading. But if you don't agree , thats cool. You have a great imaginery behind this one. :-)
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
-
Really good
I like this one, Clare. It has a mood that speaks as well as the well-chosen words it uses and places. I think the repition of phrases like 'I am not like him' and 'what say you?' works well. It all works. If you intended it to convey the awkwardness of a neglected relationship - bullseye. I would change a few bits here and there. Simplest thing is to do a copy and paste and show them to you that way. A few specifics.
Is 'devious' the word you really meant on line 11. It condemns the relationship being described. Strong and brave if it's right. Maybe too strong if you didn't intend vitriol.
Line 10 is a gem
'skin like water' doesn't work for me
ships (and old men) more creak than rattle
I'll message you my suggestions. It would be nice to hear what you think sometime! Good Write! >W<
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 3.
Adding your comment:
