The full title is:
Observations on the superficial care given by parents and the pacifying power of Hydrogenated Starch Hydrolysate (HSH), Citric Acid, natural and artificial flavors, colors FD & C Blue 1, 2, Red 3, 40, Yellow 5, 6, and Acesulfame Potassium.
small child awash with tears;
mum unwraps a lollipop
smiles again
.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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great potential!
it's a lovely piece with great potential. If you are of the mind.you could make that title a part of the poem itself and it'll be very rich. interesting to read. -
I like neuroscience and food...
and apparently so do you. I like your scientific twists, kind of a Hippocratic Shakespearean thing going on with your work and I enjoy it. This was short and to the point with a valuable message implied without being platitudinous. Kind of like frosting on a sharpened spoon, or lollipop on an icepick, rather. I like it.-Sole
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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a sweetly frosted..
icepick - remind me never to accept a treat from you! ha ha - your comments are always most welcome though! Very pleased you enjoyed this short work.
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clever. haha very clever. i like it. i love it actually. its funny how all of those chemicals make the crying child happy.
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very kind
thanks very much for reading and commenting.
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why just a senryu?? If you were to publish your poems, this would have ot be there... This works amazingly well...
But the subject does deserve a longer poem and atleast touch on some more lollipop things of today's world...
Perhaps something you could think about.
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That revised first line...
is now as smooth as silk.
Your response is so true: all the tricks and treats that so many parents use to sedate their children's needs of the heart; sort of belies all the middle-class bullshit one hears these days about "our precious children." In that light, your little poem is even more poignant than first appears - "smiles" on the lips, but no deeper.
Lad -
Nifty senryu, hobby...
...with the form's classic humorous little episodes of ordinary people. The irony of the title-with-poem is rich; so, I like that title. Of course, without the title the poem takes on a more straightforward meaning. Oh yeh, the power of titles.
OK, I'll be contrary: I grew up on all those lollipops fully loaded with all that artificial "stuff", but I don't think I'm any less healthy now at my age because of it all. So, I'll have to distance my sentiments from the poem's gentle and fashionable scolding; which means that I like the poem even more without the title. BUT, even with its title, I can still enjoy its skill.
Sharp work on an old and delightful form!
Lad
PS: is the commas after "child" needed?
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Hi Lad,
Readings of this poem have sparked debate on several facets of parenting, the effects of the ‘artificial’ ingredients in today’s foods – particularly treats and how these effect the child’s physical growth, and mental development. But also the dialogue often goes towards the lack of care – affection – children regularly receive – they are given a lollipop to pacify them (psychological impact of a treat teat), or sat in front of a TV to occupy them in place of parental care and affection.
I’m pleased you read beyond the title and found aspect of the poem you could relate to.
I have changed the opening line to the one I use when reading this, I think it works better.
Thank you for feedback.
Rgds
Hobby
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A life story in fifteen syllables.
The classic senryu was never better used. Temporary relief sets up lifelong grief, shortened if carcinogenic.
No quarrel with citric acid, vitamin C, but even my big Webster's could not help me with Acesulfame Potassium.
Terry
language: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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I like it I agree with it but I also feel like its to short and not sweet enough, lol. It has potential to grow and im excited to think what you could do with it. Thats my only suggestion. Otherwise, good work
language: 3, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 2, form: 3.
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I love the way you think, hobby. I love how this is both ribbing and poignant, sly and good-natured, sharply observant yet not preachy. Excellent work.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Flattered
Pie, thank you kindly for your generous comment, glad you enjoyed the poem.
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Your best so far...
A potent and very powerful poem. I really like the “full title” explanation. Temporary relief for one, creates long-term pain for another.
Well done hobby
Bill
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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very kind of you
Bill, thanks. Yes there are far reaching consequences of such temporary measures of pacification - ADD, Obesity, Diabetes and the like. I wasn't quite sure how the full title would go down, very often people comment that haiku and senryu shouldn't be titled at all. I thought it would help convey a sense of irony.
Glad you liked it,
Rgds
hobby
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