I came today, and heard the news
the kind that would give cowboys blues
as you whispered "break up" into my ear
It's strange I guess, and a little blurry
and yes, I know I shouldn't worry
but I have had it up to here
I'm not mad, just a little confused
yet I still feel slightly abused
could it be you had no time for me?
always gone, left me hanging
no wonder our love was changing
now maybe you might see
I might not outwardly cry
but I'm still waiting for some reply
nevermind, just let it go
But I'm still here, your still gone
I refuse to be your pawn
But instead of speaking up, I'll lay low
off again, off again
what chance do I possess
off again, off again
to fix this horrid of a mess
Author notes
ah breakups, one of the harsh realities of being adolescent.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Nienna, I am overjoyed you understand the poem. and are happy to have you hereI regret to inform I might not be on for a littlw while, But it's still nice to have friends, thank you
-poetic kitten -
Hey, Kitten, I like this. It's raw and powerful and melancholy and not overly resentful and pitiful, and I think that's great. I love the emotions behind it and the conviction and the rhythm, but I have a couple suggestions, if I may, just to tighten it up:
Line 3 "into" changed to "in" to keep the meter
Line 5 I'm fairly certain "noone" should just be two words: "no one" but I really really like the rhythm in that stanza
Line 8 fits and works, but I think "yet" is out of context maybe "and" instead?
Line 11 maybe "no wonder that our love was changing" seems to flow better, but is a minor detail
Line 16 "emossions" should be "emotions" instead (minor typo)
Line 18 I think it's irrelevant to say "with just another blink". It could be shorter, tighter, more controlled (like the rest of the poem) as simply "with another blink" or "with just a blink" if you wanted instead. Just a thought.
I love the last stanza and the way you repeat "off again off again", but I think that last line is kind of awkward. You could say "to fix this horrid mess" or "to fix this tangled mess" but having both seems a bit much for a poem as controlled as this one. It seems like you're letting it go at the end the way it is now, and one of the things that's so impressive about this poem is that you're so mature about this whole mess. That's endearing, and I feel the last line should stay that way.
On a more personal note, Kitten, I'm so sorry that had to happen to you. But I know that you'll pull through just the same, and this poem only helps reassure that. Hope it helped to write it. (And by the way, all that I said in the critique-besides the emotion typo-is merely from a technical level. If you can't change the poem at all simply because it was what came to you and is too personal, that's completely acceptable)
Hang in there, oh noblest of all my feline friends (and I'm here for you you know).
Lady of the N
language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 5.
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