There has been a ludicrously tranquil rapport
Between the world beyond and within me.
A balance between “Dreams” and “Reality” -
Now restricting my baffled spirit from being free.
This new empathy has been poking me a little.
Oh! I’d been treading on this pernicious lane
For a dozen of years and all this while, I’d
Muddled up the two in my quest of being sane!
A blur yet vital line lies in between these realms of
Fantasy and Reality- they are so significantly diverse.
Seems I have inadvertently erased this line; and now
The assurance my vain perfection is getting immersed.
The previous reign of dreams over my oblivious senses
After this musing, is fading away, slowly yet decisively.
Insouciance’s being taken over by awareness of reality
But well, all that I do now is stare in sheer perplexity…
They say - see the marvels of life yet take care not to
Spill the oil; tell me is that anywhere close to possible?
How fervently I attempted to observe the wonders of life
But, failed to dwell in reality, making things miserable.
It is indeed better to skip out of the realm of fantasy
The world of lively dreams and truly fabled serenity.
Reality is not always sweet and fascinating, it hurts-
And after all, real acrimony is better than fake fantasy.
Balancing the two worlds in me is entirely improbable.
I am not the impeccable mortal who in this would thrive.
So, there lies just one choice, opt for either of the two.
I have decided as I said earlier, and there no regrets alive.
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Author notes
Oh... another one of my crazy writes.
I tried ryhming again... so do tell me what ya feel..
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Why not sleep in place of slumber? Theme attempted is poetic indeed, but the author failed to have a firm hold on it.
language: 2, rhythm: 2, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Hmm... sleep? I fond slumber a lil more appropiate.
Anyways, thank u sir.. Id work hard at my writes this time!
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Too wordy!!! Its good. definitely rich with words. But I really feel you struggle to use less words to convey yourself. Am I right there? One more thing that I have told you earlier... when you are using long lines... do not use an "abcb" rhyming scheme. It just doesnt work. You are better off writing a free verse.
About the subject and the thought flow... I will get back to you on that... -
im sorry
got carried away there its just that i cant believe your 13
that was an amazeing read! keep it up
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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holy crap!!
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***** out of *****
I enjoyed this poem very much! The writing was beautiful and the choice of words was perfect.The writing was very sharp and on point. I really understand what you are talking about and you said it just right.I liked the rythem of it also. The last two stanzas were my favorite. -
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Hey thanks SM!!
Im glad u got me.
Thankx a million again!
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"Real acrimony is better than fake fantasy" excellent write!!!
hey sis,
I strongly stand for ur notion...This is very true.."reality, even the worst is better than fantasy, even the best"..I think this is what u mean..ur vocabulary made me to refer the dictionary(as mine is poor)and i wanted to analyse each and every word of the poem..u have greatly improved over the months on ur vocabulary,theme and the way to expose the thought...excellent..but i really wonder how u analyse the world and life to this extent at this age..anyway these realisations has made u good poetess.But wait on ur way of analysation. stop to think..is this possible? i dont feel it is..ppl(me too rarely)dwell on dreams(even which are not likely to happen)..This is really useless..but it is difficult to avoid too(may be only for me,i dunno)..u have said to choose between the two..but do u think fake dreams(fantasies) really sweep away the good from us?..when i realised some positive ones really nourished me(even if they were impossible)..so i like to have an idea about this poem the next time we chat...
Now coming to the poem,
In ur first stanza "the world beyond" likely means the eternal world...but dreams are never the world beyond(i felt so, U need not change if u dont).
And all other ensuring paragraphs flow really well.. in the authors notes u have said u tried rhyming,but i dont think it is very succesful..good coherence maintained throughout the poem,which is very difficult to do in such kind of themes..the poem is direct..i like that..and it is yet another feather..i really loved the message.And i am the first to comment(back again).
bye
take care,
Bhaiya(shyam).language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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