I wish the world were finer
More silver linings
And puppies, I think.
At least that’s what
Most people like nowadays.
Tea and toast in the conservatory
Whilst the kiddies play
Their quiet games.
But we go on thinking,
There could be much more,
There could be much more than this.
Sometimes all we need
Is a little encouragement
And the world rejoices
“Halleluiah!”
It’s good that we forget
That yesterday was a bad day.
Still the trains keep running
And we say, “Boy hasn’t this been fun?”
As I make the most of my parents sacrifice
and bad advice .
No, I won’t say why.
I’ll just read the paper
And wonder why
we build these wars for pittance
When we can make castles in our hands
There’s not much more to do but
Smile, on an old park bench,
with the sun on your face
And the sweet warm air on your skin
With the children singing, we could be much more,
We could be much more than this.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like this entirely as is, SS.
It's unfashionably simple (in the best sense), plainly conceived and written, and has a tender ordinariness about it - all compliments. I think its very looseness and day-to-day style is its charm - it doesn't seem to want to impress anyone with a clever and polished tone, and yet those exact qualities are in it with great subtlety.
The line that caught me, among many others, is 18: a fine metaphor for the world moving on and teaching us - if we listen - that most of our headaches and stresses soon leave us if we learn to see them in the light of life's goodnesses.
And those last 6 lines move me with their sympathetic acceptance of human frailty, along with hope for us: Yes, "We could be much more than this."
Good read for me.
Lad
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Thank you Lad
As always a thorough and thoughtful critique from you, much obliged.
This is a tough one for me but I appreciate your feedback entirely.
Clare, aka Silver Spirit
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Hi,
I think breaking to stanzas and consistent use of language style (in each stanza) would help, e.g. L6-8 ‘tea’, ‘conservatories’ and ‘quiet games’ then ‘kiddies’ where children may be more appropriate in context.
I agree that some pruning would be useful, but don’t miss opportunities to develop either – you mention ‘quiet games’ for example, here you could add detail, tell us what game – perhaps scrabble? – a reference to a word they are spelling could add to the poem e.g.
Tea and toast in the conservatory
Whilst the kiddies scrabble
With lettered tiles for a double word score
(war)f-a-r-e
L25& 26 are excellent – the contrast between the carefully constructed and assembled war – and the safety of a castle is striking, placing the castle in the palm of your hand – great idea.
Rgds
hobby -
It rambles
Too much clichee in here Silver, starting with the puppy dogs and with too many others to mention. But ,as usual with yours, it has some interesting and poetic thought, the interesting kernel of which is made up of these lines
It’s good that we forget
That yesterday was a bad day.
Still the trains keep running
And we say, “Boy hasn’t this been fun?”
As I make the most of my parents sacrifice
and bad advice .
No, I won’t say why.
I’ll just read the paper
With very little embellishment, they and your title would make a better poem than the rambling one that sprawls out here. Sorry if I sound like a grumpy old teacher - distracted young students bring it out in me!
Needs a lot of pruning and a little more work. C - >Whacko<
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