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Exhale

With you I know
that look
as my clothes are
slipping to the floor.
A rythmic pleasure,
a song of sighs
but your eyes they never close.
Their bright and beautiful blueness
unable to miss a second.
Lips parted slowly
saying nothing
but meaning everything,
never has this physical act
entered into my heart
as it does now.
At the end
those eyes still peering into mine.
With you I know the splendor of this moment
I comprehend
we do this not to feel it
but to know it.
My breath slowing
in between gasps
I exhale this feeling
"I love you".
You breathe it in
closing your eyes
knowing I'll still be there when they open.

I need help on the title

    : Comment:

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • RAWright
    June 18, 2007

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    This was an awesome poem. The last four lines are what really got me. I will read more of your writings from now on. Oh and I also loved the lines "we do this not to feel it/but to know it"

    Great poem!


  • adorasmum
    June 3, 2007

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    Gentle and passionate. I liked the gasps and exhaling, song of sighs. Beautiful. I think that the title is perfect. Or maybe 'song of sighs'? Maybe that would be too obvious.

    I loved it, perfectly poignant.

    language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.


  • scribbledthoughts
    April 20, 2007

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    sigh...

    this was pretty good LCJ - found it more romantic and tender than hot lol (ok yeah, there were a few hot bits in there... )

    also thought there could not have been a title better than this. stick with it.

    sigh....
    LYNNE

  • dave ochs
    April 6, 2007

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    hey little crimson jester

    i couldn't help seeing lads header of best erotic and when i started reading it i thought it was pretty hot (but not raunchy) however when i got to the "I love you" it cooled considerably as love is more sentimental than hot. of course thats all the better if you wrote this for your man especially.
    dave


  • Lad
    April 5, 2007

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    One of the best erotic love poems I've seen...

    ...on this site, LCJ. Sorry I didn't see it sooner. You got some good advice for revision from Windhover, but I suspect that even the original had loads of tenderness, because it's clear to me that the poem comes from a deeply honest and loving place.
    I see many soft rhymes in it, and all kinds of plain, ordinary words that add up to one sustained feeling. And that last line "exhales" faithfulness. Lucky you, lucky lover.
    Good poem.
    Lad


    • LittleCrimsonJester
      April 6, 2007
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      Why thank you

      I'm quite proud you would put it among the best. A poem from the heart always has more meaning. Most of my poems don't come from my life but this one does and I've never been happier. Anyway glad that you liked it.
      -Little Crimson Jester-


  • skipeople
    April 2, 2007

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    Sweet.

    Once again, I believe that four comments can please your suggestion needs, plus I'm not the best to give a touch-up note. But I can say that your work has found its way into my mind and I hope to read more of your written thoughts in my near future.

    Ashley


  • Windhover gold member
    March 26, 2007

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    Hi Red. As usual you have something to say here and get round to saying pretty well, that is to say there is strong feeling and you express a strong poetic thought in lines 21 - 23 particularly. With that in mind I would suggest 'exhale' as a title.I think it needs work though.
    The poem has some clunky lines in it and the phrase 'your eyes' repeats far too often and too quickly. Lines 12 and 13 are dodgy and the poem would lose nothing for losing them I think.
    I'm going to message you over my usual 'cut and paste' so you can see how this reader thinks it should look. Use or ignore as you see fit. Hope you're as happy as the poem suggests! My Best >W<

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