The snow fell in swirls criss-crossed,
Below hell our roads crossed, innocence lost,
The cost of bearing the load was ignored
As we got on board and soared,
With time you lost your disguise,
Chilly eyes and frosted smile,
I was high and you were lying,
Misguided good intentions survived,
Then died against your best deceptions,
Minus intervention, our flight crashed
our light smashed,
Despite backlash I tried to ride the storm out,
But I was too worn out,
Although your lips were golden, your kiss was poison,
This list of things was chosen
It's woven in mist.
Author notes
Slightly personal, but more of an attempt at a rhyming poem - too much rhyme? Or not?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The right road
I like the way you're experimenting with rhyme in this snappy, harder hitting almost rap style. It tells me you're listening to your muse and your inner voice rather than trying to be 'pat' or clever. Thus it has greater punch. Where rhyme is created for its own sake alone it usually sounds twee and should be saved for particular sorts of poems, usually humorous. If you work with this sort of style and free thinking and concentrate on the poetry of the ideas you're trying to get across I think you'll be travelling the right road. Good Write. >W<
language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thanks windhover, I'm that that the rhyming worked for you. Coupled with the feel of the poem I aimed to make it something more than just a 'rhyme', happy to see that worked.
nish(81)
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hey nish
i thought the rhyme was pretty good and the enjambment, the way the lines run together, had a degree of sophiscation thus avoiding the annoying sing-song nusery school type rhyme.
dave -
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thanks dave..I didn't realise I'd avoided the sing-song type rhyme. I guess that's what happens when you write a mix of unrhymed and rhymed poetry: you come back to the rhyming as a tool, not as the foundation of the poem.
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I thought this was great, Nish. As for rhythm, it was definitely different which is always a plus. It reminded me really of beat or slam...I could imagine someone reciting it at one of the open mics I sometimes go to. That would be pretty cool.
I see that Lad's already given you a great critique (and I'm proud that you REVISED!!) so I won't worry about it. I have one teeny tiny little thing which really isn't important, but I want to put it out there as it caught me all the times I read it. You repeat "crossed" in lines 1 and 2 which is not necessarily a bad thing because the rhyme is actually with "lost" and the first one, but I somehow feel that at that point the rhyme does get a little too much mainly because it's the same word. It would be awesome to keep the internal rhyme of "crossed" and "crossed" but I don't know if it quite works for me the way it is. Just a thought...
I think the feel I got from this was definitely contemporary, young...the way it's supposed to be! It kind of gives me the feeling that we younger poets are coming into our own...we can write about lost love just as well as the older more experienced lovers out there; ours is just going to be more raw and shocking and somehow subdued (I get all that from this...it's amazing). I love the control you show, that's an accomplishment. Great job, Nish. I like the change of pace, getting to see a tiny bit more into you. Nice.
Ntothe3
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 5.
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Thankee!
Hmm, reciting this at an open mic..would be quite interesting, although we only get one a year here at tanzania. glad you liked the rhythm!
And yes, I..i..REVISED
lol. Astute spotting of that 'crossed' repetition - i see what you mean, but at 2.30am the best thing i can think of is to change the bit in the second line to "below hell, our fates tossed" which is a bit too ambiguous...
Also an interesting observation of this being contemporary...that's true, soon the mantle of poetry will rest on our heads, and the works of you and I are a preview of what is to come.
Happy you enjoyed it!
Ntothe81
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Very personal...and good.
I like it, nish. Reading it the first time, I had a hunch that the rhyming was over-the-top; but a second and third reading had me liking it. That's because, I think, the rhyming fits into the subdued anger of the poem, words that sound alike can make a statement much more biting than without them. That's just a theory of mine...not absolutely certain about it, but I do think it's verified in your piece.
Oh yeh, begun "below hell" some of our most initially hot and promising encounters get "crashed" and "smashed" by poisoned kisses. The poem's got that right.
Good read for me, nish.
A few thoughts:
Would line 7 be tighter as "I was high through all your lies" ?
The doubled-up rhyme in line 3 might be too much because of that "lost" - seems to read better without that word, already used in the previous line.
Is the word in line 9 "best" ?
A period stop at the end of line 14 might help to set up the final separated thought in 15 and 16.
And possibly the last two lines might read:
These listed things were chosen
to be woven in (our?) mist.
("mist" is a nice connotation of "missed.")
But those are minor suggestions for a really clever poem. Good poem - daring and successful experiment.
Lad
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great thoughts!
Thanks for your comment Lad, great thoughts as usual! You're right, biting words that rhyme with each other have so much more of an impact. It's like they hit you with a physical shock; im picturing sending this poem to someone or receiving it from someone, and the shock it would give.
Great suggestions from you - I decided not to change line 7 though, because I like the rhythm as it is right now. I did take away the 'lost' in line 3 and correct the word in line 9 to 'best'.
I really like what you suggested about the 'missed' and 'mist', but I can't think of a real way to tie that in and end the poem..maybe I'll come back to that.
thanks,
nish(81)
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