“God, I am not a poem!” He says.
Oh, but you are.
The weight of your stare
adds layers, heavy,
and you resonate
fully charged and faulted
ready to be immortalised
in epic clarity.
You could never be rushed
but sculpted,
a clichéd chiselled Adonis
desperate to adorn my page
with satisfaction.
Who needs embellishment?
There is enough of you
to fulfil my need.
Enough of you to spread
your whole essence
on a blank page
to stain it with your disdain
and your reiteration,
“God, I am not a poem!”
I can almost inhale your scorn
like a deep, sharp, breath
outside on a cold night.
Biting at my teeth, bitter,
and creeping, slowly, down my chest
to blossom through my lungs,
swelling out to weave its way
through my blood,
and I tremble.
How can I stop? There is too much,
too fast and too hard.
But you, you are here
just dying for flawless completion.
Poetry has nothing on you.
Author notes
Any comments appreciated, special consideration for the title perhaps. I don't like it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I really enjoyed this. I wish i had a helpful suggestion for a title, but honestly i like what it is now.:-) I loved the way this flowed and enjoyed your choice of words :-)
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Very Good
I like the use of positivity and negativity in this poem, such as when you describe how poems are a blank page, filled with our own emotions and ideas, and contrast it with words such as "scorn" and "bitter".
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 3.
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Spirited Stuff!
Silver, have you been copying somebody's homework or did you really write this? My! What a bold thing you can be! This really gets going and is a new departure for you if I'm not mistaken. Quite simply, it's earthy and real but still really poetic. It's horny and I like it and I'm sure you'll get a great response.
For me it takes off from line 17. Till then it dallied with clever poetry-type allusions and double entendres. Then you hit us with
Enough of you to spread
your whole essence
on a blank page
to stain it with your disdain
and your reiteration,
“God, I am not a poem!”
I can almost inhale your scorn
like a deep, sharp, breath
outside on a cold night.
Biting at my teeth, bitter,
and creeping, slowly, down my chest
to blossom through my lungs,
swelling out to weave its way
Can't pick a line out of this. It's all GREAT. And it just picks up momentum and soars with a kind of malice that is pure sex. Come on - who are you and what have you done with our Clare?
line 30 bombed a little for some reason an then we were off again, racing up to lines 35 - great! - and 36 - almost enjambment and just a tour de force of a close. I'm really impressed. Oh yes - and I liked it a lot! Great write! >W<language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Thanks Windhoverman!
You're hit the nail right on the head with what I was aiming for here. I know it's a new angle for me but it didn't start off this way!
Glad you liked it!
Love La Silver Spectre
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I haven't read all of your poems on the site, SS...
...but, for me at least, this one is your absolute finest of those I have read. I admire its originality: the poet-creator's ruffled side of a two-way conversation, or perhaps, quarrel. And the creator is the wiser.
It reminds me of Yahweh's crack at Job's questioning of him in the Old Testament: "Where were you when I laid out the universe? How dare YOU tell ME how to create!" But the poem doesn't only recall that, it amplifies it, spells it out. I really like this one, Clare.
As to a title, your present one isn't all that bad, I think, but perhaps "The Creator's Page" might be better? Just a thought.
I liked all the images in the poem, but my favorite is the final: "you...just dying for flawless completion. / Poetry has nothing on you." Great lines. Fine, deep poem.
Lad
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I am so grateful Lad!
Once again an intuitive and insightful comment. I hadn't look at it from that angle myself, but now that you mention it, I can see precisely what you mean. I'm still thinking about the title, but I appreciate your input!
Much obliged, once again!
Clare
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well woven
I like the flow. The words used create vivid images. Nicely done and simple.I think the title is atrractive.
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