Handkerchief moments, picked from pockets
of shoeless days, dry cheeks dampened
by the impending passage
of time and love:
tryst-coated cobbles
resonate the canter of lovers’ hearts,
illicit rendezvous forsaken
for honor and role, call to him
across seas. skies fall
and she pours over him
only to evaporate as shadows shorten.
Whetted, his roots search for her
dampness, and he wonders
if the breeze is strong enough
to carry his secrets,
releasing them into all that surrounds her.
Beneath a slated roof
she is lost to the dampness of a new canvas,
unaware that the arthritic yawn
of an old house
is the translation of her lovers despair.
She replays time in oil clad strokes;
sunny moments and bare feet
arrested on walls,
such is her silence.
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Handkerchief moments, picked from pockets
of shoeless days, now suffocate
beneath macadam and tar. Tryst-coated cobbles
resonate the canter of lovers’ hearts;
time and life, separated.
Familiar to him,
water erodes, rusts and rots;
she pours over him
only to evaporate as shadows shorten.
Whetted, his roots search for her
dampness, and he wonders
if the breeze is strong enough
to carry his secrets;
releasing them in droplets
on slated roofs, they feed the moss
that chokes the canals
of their escape.
Beneath, she rocks back and forth
unaware of the hiss
from those that breach her granite flue;
desire's whisper, silenced.
She arrests time in oil clad strokes,
sunny moments and bare feet
replay on walls
and all the while he falls around her.
Author notes
trying out a revision - original is also shown.
Hopefully it is a little more accessible now, the theme is altered a little but the central aspect remains.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Looking only at the revised poem, and not at the discussion, so forgive any eccentricity here.
Firstly the language, diction ( I never know the correct terms for these things- you know those word things) appeals to this reader. People have favourite words, you have used a lot of mine.
I am not going to recount the narrative as I interpret it, because there is not need- it is clear to me what I make of it and how the imagery- the metaphors and the symbolism work for me. This is an indication that the poet has achieved the connection with the reader. People will draw their own plotlines based on experience, reading , imagination etc, so I would not fret about obscurity where that is concerned.
It is at once a visual poem and an emotive one- almost describing the backstory to a painting or an old photograph while at the same time showing the all too familiar human emotion running through. The textures created by the 'words' (such as, however give more the impression of an oil painting , even ignoring the reference in the title and in lines 18 and 22.
Okay- so I did look at the pre revised version. You have done a grand job with the editing, really tightened it all up.
I keep reading and reading it- it is like a scene from a WW1 costume drama, it has that kind of dynamic to it. The atmospherics are breathable. Having said that it is not fixed in any period of time (where I live there are cobbled streets as a norm). Of course the separation and regret themes are universal.
I don't half ramble, don't I.
I decided not to do the applauses, as from what I have read, people here are more serious about their poetry, and I know too little about poetry to be able to make judgements on how to 1 applause to one poem and three to another.
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Just a guess...
Sounds like a metaphor of love where the man is plant and the woman is rain. For some reason I see you looking out a window at a plant growing on a roof top and likening it to your own experience of love with this metaphor. Then you painted a picture of the scene while lost in the midst of this contemplation. The end refers to her leaving and your consequent wilting without her. Am I close?-Sole
p.s. I'll reserve critique until I understand as I should.
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Hi Sole,
While I'm all for varied interpretations of a poem, I guess I have been overly cryptic with this one. Perhaps I was a touch too close to the poem to read it objectively. Your feedback is much appreciated and has helped me understand where revision is needed.
I've posted a revision but will also leave the original version for the time being. If interested I posted in the comments an outline to what I intended in writing the original
Thank you again for reading and commenting.
Rgds
hobby
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hey hobby
this was a challanging poem in that the meaning is not immmediately evident, however even without reading the other commments i did pick up on the theme of seperation. maybe the strengh of the poem is the imagery of the desire to reunite.
i thought oil clad strokes could be a refernce to painting-perhaps an outlet for whats missing.
dave -
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Thanks for your comment Dave, I like to offer a work which requires some thought from the reader and I really appreciate it when a reader dedicates time to interpretating the poem, however, common throughout the close reads and comments recived has been ambiguity
You correctly note that the central theme is separation and desire, . I've posted a revision which retains this central aspect but hopefully reduces the ambiguity a little.
I took note of your suggestion on developing the painting references, while I want to keep this portion relatively simple I did see an opportunity to get a little more from the close.
Thanks again
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and he wonders if the breeze is strong enough to carry his secrets, WOW THATS AN AMAZING LINE TO ME. THE WHOLE PIECE HAS GREAT IMAGINARY AND BEAUTIFUL STRONG WORD CHOICE. GREAT WORK HERE HOBBY
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Very Kind
Thank you!! I've tried out a revision - hopefully it holds a similar appeal to you!
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Hi Lad, W, Bill
Thanks to each for your comments, the common thread being ambiguity of meaning I’ll have to work on balancing the metaphor between the icon and fact. First let me explain the intent, hopefully then you will better understand the poem as I work on revision.
The general theme is a recollection (from the point of view of a male protagonist) of an affair with someone whom he is now separate from but misses, deeply.
I’ve used water as the central theme for his continued desire for her.
I had hoped in the first stanza that the days of ‘way back then’ (tryst coated cobbles) and the current lives (macadam and tar), would indicate their history – time together (when read with the following stanzas) and how it remains separate within them (the canter of lovers hearts) from their progressing lives (time and life separated). I wonder if in the opening line ‘handkerchief chief moments’ is a little misleading?
He knows that time threatens to dissolve his (their) feelings for each other (L6 thru 9), still he replays their affair in erotic fantasy, dreams which drift from him as sun rises and day wakes (L8-11). And he wonders if she feels the same, senses his continuing need for her (L11-14 as they lead into the following stanzas).
It is ironic that it is these very desires which stop them from being together (L14-17), any time reaches out to her, he rescinds the gesture at the last moment (L19-21). The house being representative of the distance he keeps from her, a barrier. The rain (his desires) being kept at this distance while inside she is unaware if his anguish. (L18-21)
I chose oil paintings (over more conventional photographs and other modern media) to be in keeping with their shared time being ‘ye good ol’days’ – they depict snapshots of their times together. So in the end she sits waiting for him not realizing he is only just outside.(L22-25)
I look forward to seeing if this short explanation helps in the interpretation of the poem, and appreciate any feedback which can assist on zeroing in on particular areas which require attention.
As always your close and attentive reading and feedback is very much appreciated.
Rgds
hobby
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Hey Hobby,
There is a lot of imagery in this poem. Some of it I don’t quite understand fully but it is a beautiful and moving poem none the less.
Very nice read Hobby
Bill
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 4.
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thks, replied above
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Beautifully clouded
The opening stanza is a pure joy Hobby. Those first three phrases are so ..perfect. From this point on I had my own images and ideas of what this was about, transported back to my childhood when horses and carts shared cobbled streets with motor cars.
As the poem progresses it confounds my ideas of an old house and its relationship with the weather or maybe even an old tree. Even so,
'Whetted, his roots search for her
dampness, and he wonders
if the breeze is strong enough
to carry his secrets;'
is such a powerful and erotic piece of writing it could almost stand as a poem on its own.
The whole poem is just so romantic and powerful.
I know it's fashionable to leave poems open to various interpretations and even though I'm left unsure EXACTLY what this was about it was a treat to read it. Still, I have no doubt that for me, it would have been better for some more clarity and less ambiguity. I love romance and crossword puzzles both. But for preference, I wouldn't mix them. Just this reader's simple tastes.
Great Write - really great. >W<
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thks, replied above
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So many fascinating images come to me, hobby.
And I can't seem to define any of them into real fact: a tree's paved-over roots; rain falling; a damp water-table beneath the tree; timeless secrets in treeleaves blown off by a breeze; erotic movements, especially in the title and in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas; death separated from life; and many more.
And the images are brilliantly written in chosen diction and in their connotations: whetted; tryst-coated; erodes, rusts and rots; moss that chokes the canals; desire's whisper, silenced; all the while he falls - stunning play of words, obvious love of the magic of language.
After 5 slow readings, twice aloud, and much pondering, I can't get at a central reality in this beauty, hobby. That's probably my default as a reader; it's not the poem's problem. I guess I'm the sort of reader who needs more clues in order to crack the cryptic code, more defining of place and event. But that definitely doesn't take away my enjoyment of the fantastcally seductive images in this one - particularly what I think is its main feeling: suffocated loss.
I do regret my blindness into this. I'll need to know more of what you intended here; then I'll revisit to appreciate what you've written. Sorry. I'll be coming back to this to see what other more perceptive readers make of it.
Lad
PS: Yesterday, I decided not to use the little "applause" tokens after reading any poems on the site anymore; they've always troubled me as being unnecessarily patronizing. As a teacher for all my life, I always hated grading papers, much more preferring a thoughtful commentary - and those applause things are, to me, like grades: A, B, C and so on. Hope you understand.
Anyway, I'll be baaaaack!
Lad -
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thks, replied above
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Thanks, hobby...
...for taking the time to respond with clarities. With the explanations, I now can see what you intended. Coupled with your "crib notes," the poem glows with meaning as a pure imagist poem very worthy of the French poets who wrote in this style.
What comes further to my mind is the age-old question: should a poem stand on its own, or is it quite valid that it requires accompanying notes for at least a basic interpretation?
My instincts go with the former, but there are plenty of poets whose obscure work shines whether or not they have explanations - Rimbaud, Hart Crane, just to name a couple; although I have to say they're not my favorite reading: much too cryptic and laborious for me to enjoy. But it's a matter of taste; other serious readers I know need no notes to enjoy Rimbaud and Crane.
The decision as to which stance your poem will take is up to you, of course. On the one hand, without explanation the poem truly shimmers with vague but beautiful images (Archibald MacLeish: "A poem need not mean, only be.")
On the other, with explanations, all the images can touch ground with a reader's own experience.
Maybe a solution is for you not to be reluctant to use more similes: like, as, and so on - as you've done in some of your others. For example, "handkerchiefs" might be "like memory-soaked handkerchiefs" - that's clumsy, but the idea would be to clue in the reader more concretely.
No matter which way you go, whether purely imaged or concretely imaged, I'll be interested in your revisions. Again, hobby: much beauty here, and I'll be back to it.
Lad
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