eyes left, eyes right
over the net
tight inside
back long
short lob
into the net
and just across
eyes left,
the point was seen
umpire: “love : 15”
Author notes
Just a fun short pomlet.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This one's got game...
...in perfectly jerky rhythm, and love(zero) to the other's so-far-winning 15 points - an enjoyable joke on the tennis-court of relationships. I think that's perfectly imaged throughout this little tight one. For sure, "the point was seen..."
It's pleasant to see a good poet take chances with differing approaches to the nearly indescribable. For my reading, you've done that here with fun, yet still, hobby's "voice" is clear. I like it. You've gotten some interesting suggestions below, particularly for lengthening and expanding the poem's implications. Maybe so. But for my taste, I think it's drolly perfect.
Lad
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Lad, your comments are positive, insightful, critical when needed and always diplomatic - qualities to be envied.
I always appreciate you exercising them on my postings.
Thanks
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Hah!
. I like the format which goes into the opposites with that kind of alliteration needed to make it bump like a bump car.....takes us this way,
and then that way.......just as life goes! Alrrrrrighty!
Seussish as making 'sport' of love, the word in
this instance being a homophone as well as a metaphor!
I can't critique beyond this due to the purity and originality that apparently has a little 'zig-zag' mind of its own. I guess that's why it works. Ah!
Resolve is very good and too much fun to satiate
as esoteric.
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Interesting. Glad I read you! Thank you so much.
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Hi,
very kind of you to stop by, i'm pleased you saw something here that appealed.
thanks for visting.
rgds
hobby
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Hey,
You sort of lost me on this one, Hobby. It is unclear for me what the tennis-metaphor means even with the hint from the title. My first guess was flirting? Or maybe even parents at home taking care of the kids and daily chores? A little help or a hint would be nice.
But besides that, this one definitely has potential.
Bill
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 2.
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Hi Bill, there's no deeper meaning here, its just a small ditty designed only to offer a twist from the perception the title may present. The poem structure is experiment in pace - trying to replicate the flow a tennis match.
I'm going to work on an extended version and see what can be done with it. Thanks for reading.
rgds
hobby
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Advantage
Poetically amusing Hobby and I like how it signs off with that resounding little rhyme. I think it has huge potential to be worked a little harder for the same effect only more of it. If you could conceal the tennis allusion a little longer and maybe send the reader a little further down 'love street', the 'twist' could be made ever so pleasing. I'd consider it work in progress. I liked the way the spectator's perspective came through, it reminded me of the two pigeons at Wimbledon, heads flicking right and left as they watched a long rally, until one turned to the other and said (as pigeons will) "Don't humans have a funny way of hatching their young". Smart write. >W<
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Hmmm, it would never have occurred to me to develop this - glad you can see some potential. I’ll definitely try some additions / revision and see how they work out.
thks
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