Let’s tilt our faces upward,
pry open skies with muscled words-
for the infant, first, without disease
so tiny hands that smooth the father’s chin
perpetuate his elder moment
anoint with holy oil.
Let this little one’s dream be met-
free to wonder, cry with distinction
laugh much- grieving, little
guided in the thunder arms of God
so scars decayed become fragrant wisdom.
Made whole to angel standard,
bless futures in truth and spirit
heaven on earth, earth toward heaven
sheltered from a robbed cradle
continue the holy relay
their eyes, the portrait of our melody
our hope and strength, the needful
and adoring child.
(2nd draft)
2nd draft--------- typo oopsie corrected. Thanks, Lad
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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CZ, I'd like to comment/critique this poem...
...and I see that you have some standards for that on your author's page. Now, how do I access your author's page?
Lad -
Hi,
As remarked by Lad you noted a preference for critique, I have duly obliged in reading the notes on your Author’s page (Lad, it’s at the sister site Allpoetry).
I hope you find something of use in my following comments / critique – please remember it’s all subjective.
On my first couple of reads I found myself stumbling through the poem rather than being swept or carried through your words. I took direction for my breaths and assemblies of thought from the given punctuation and from the line breaks. Take the opening stanza, I read it as five clauses, however it is structured as a single sentence. The line breaks may benefit from the addition of commas to provide a clearer separation of the clauses.
I’m also struggling to understand some of the word structure e.g. L3 begins a two line clause which I read at first: ‘pray the infant without disease (breath) so tiny…’ then I stumbled, I was expecting something like ‘so tiny… that.. | and fragile..| in..| against..| etc.
I re-read L3 with the verb ‘be’ inserted before ‘without disease’ which allowed me to make sense of it, however I’m not sure that this is the interpretation you intended?. I have similar problems with L10 & 11.
The central subject is an infant, S1 & 2 infer a singular, specific infant so there seems to be a slight discrepancy between these stanzas and the more generally worded final stanza.
A few times I also found myself a little bewildered by some of the more abstract images such as ‘thunder arms’ and ‘fragrant wisdom’ Although there are others which are quite beautiful in and of themselves, such as, ‘their eyes, the portrait of our melody’
In fact that is consistent throughout the poem, the clauses tend to work individually - I guess it is the central thread that I am struggling to trace, although the general message of the poem is one I can relate to. I read it with the 2nd and 3rd stanzas inverted and it seemed to work better for me.
As I said in my opening, I hope that you find something of use in here, it is not a judgment on the writing, rather it’s a narrative of my journey as I read it.
Rgds
hobby
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Yes! That's the kind of critique I needed and requested.
I had problems with it and agree wholeheartedly about 'struggling' through it to find the common thread.
As emotional it was, I realize I will need to edit this maybe many times...on different days, as my history shows it. Sometimes I do a poem to pieces..lol, which is worth it to give it the 'polish' and to stand still.
I will work on it throughout using your comment as a caring 'guide'.
Thank you for your time and effort.
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Thoughtfully crafted and moving.
Hi, CZ. First off, I like it. It has a tender hopefulness in its spirit, not too common these days of depressing (often whining) poems. Its theme reminds me of the frequent Old Testament Hebrew word, always applied to God, "hesed" - "loving kindness."
I'm glad you revised it; when I read the first version yesterday, although I could sense the meaning, I had to struggle to find a unifying coherence in it. In this version, I don't have that problem; its thought and emotion is clear throughout - a tribute to what revision can do in the hands of a good poet.
Theme? Bless this child, and all children, yet undiseased, anointed in whatever rituals we have, let it be guided and taught by God, from pains to knowledge, and kept whole - and that love will be returned to us as our "hope and strength." Truly a "relay." Strong emotions there.
I like the synecdoches (lines emjambed by omitting words) in lines 5 to 6, lines 12 to 13, and lines 15 to 16 - skillful writing, a compactness that fits well with the theme of a blessed, tiny infant.
My own taste would reverse the 2nd and 3rd stanzas; seems that present 2nd stanza might be a stronger ending to the poem - but that's entirely up to you, as you're the poet here, not me.
Also, I wonder if that comma between "grieving" and "little" could be removed?; the sense of the line seems not to need it?
And might "thunder" be too strong an image for the holding of an infant? Perhaps "bundling" or "boundless" or "youngest" or some other image for God's arms? Each of those suggestions would also keep at least a slanted rhyme (which I think you intend) with "wonder."
Finally, a typo at "strenth" in the second-last line.
But those are minor quibbles. All in all, this is not only an intellectually pleasing, but also an emotionally appealing poem. Good read for me, CZ!
Lad
PS: I decided last week not to use those "applause" thingies anymore; they seem so patronzing, like grades from a teacher. As a lifelong teacher, I always hated putting grades on papers. I much rather preferred lengthy commentaries. (But I'm perfectly OK with others using them if they wish.) Hope you understand.
Lad
April 19, 2007
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