In youth my eyes could see,
crisply, to the very edges of beauty,
inevitably, you wear age heavily - a duffle of burden,
now, my eyes have cataracts and hazily
I see an outline diffused with beauty.
Thankfully, love is blind.
My ears would discern your slightest sigh
such are the sonics of love and satiety
steadfast stone slips to sand
and now as my drummer fades
your song settles in me as sure as sea to shore
Sadly, silence is deafening
And though my bellow is but a meager whisper
heed the weave of these unworn words
don’t weep, I welcome this window
to my final witness, just know
you made me happy
Author notes
It's funny what inspires, this came from watching the new Sony Ericsson ad - where a couple share a song from the phone on their anniversary. I don't know the name of the song or the artist but the lyris goes "I want you to know you make me happy"
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Beautiful. The words fit smooth, and the subject matter something we are lucky to learn in real life. All things material fade, but the abstracts seem to remain. I enjoyed the alliterations...the "s" and the "w" Even with their presence the poem run smooth and not forced.
-iphios -
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iphios, I'm pleased this piece worked for you. I was quite pleased how it finished and hoped I'd struck the right balance between the rhyme and alliteration without using a strict meter as a frame - which is not always easy in free verse. So comment is very encouraging - thanks
rgds
hobby
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This is a very beautiful poem. Wonderful imagery. Lovely flow. Heart-felt sentiment.
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Thanks :)
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Quaint,
External beauty fades along with eyesight but internal beauty that shines forth.
The silence is deafening. Somewhat passé but it has a nice touch.
A quaint love poem, Hobby.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 2.
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Bill,
You summed it up in two lines, I guess it is symptoms of progressing age!.
Yes 'silence if deafening' is a little cliché (as is L6) but hopefully you can see the reason for using them.
quaint - yes. Thanks for your comment, Bill, and for reading.
rgds
hobby
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I enjoyed this one, not so much as some of your others , but I still enjoyed it. I liked most the way it flowed through. The heartfeltness ( i know thats probably not a word, LOL) came through for me. What a perfect way to end it though ' just know you make me happy' absolutely perfect and it made me think of my fiance' and how happy he makes me
language: 5, rhythm: 2, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 3.
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Hi cindy (is ok to use that?),
Thanks for your honest appraisal, but I'm pleased that you can relate it to your own circumstance. 'Happy' for you
rgds
hobby
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beautiful
Beautiful and sensitive.I flowed with each word of yours.Each word adds more beauty to life.
I simply loved it.
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Hi, the beauty of life is definitely in the living and that living is so much more rewarding if it is shared. I'm pleased that you enjoyed this.
Thank you very much for your kind comment.
rgds
hobby
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I enjoyed this piece. It has a comfortable flow. My favorite lines "now as my drummer fades
your song settles in me as sure as sea to shore" sent echos through my memories!
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Hi, It is rewarding to know that a poem you have written has relevance and made a connection in some way to a reader. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment. It is very much appreciated.
Rgds
hobby
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from colored dust to light...
Every one of these stanzas stands beautifully as is, except maybe "duffle of burden", overextended, might try putting it to work as the following line. This is the kind of lyricism that gets to me every durn time . One of my absolute favorite poets is Gerard Manley Hopkins and this put me in mind of him. Just one quibble, the second one line insert "hmm ain't it true..." seemed a little jarring to me in relation to the rest of the poem, which, if not sedate, is at least more formal than the "ain't" - maybe something like (yes, truly, silence is deafening)?"Truly" would echo "thankfully" in the first one liner. Very minor considering the flow and off-handedness of your lyric. I'm just learning how to maneuver around the site but will punch you in as a favorite. Nice work. MJ - Oh, I think I've joined Lad's Brigade in regard to the dancing golden heads - I do enough grading on my job. -
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MJ, thanks for stopping by. I took your point on the L12. I intended for it to be a little more earthy to break up the stanzas – reflecting the protagonists spoken word – but it may have been stretched a little too far!. I've made an edit which hopefully works a little better, both in the word choice and in the sonics.
I have since joining the site only tried out the clappy hands on a few occasions, I also feel I can better offer my opinion of a poem through my comment.
Much appreciated and I look forward to catching up on your work soon.
rgds
hobby
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This was awesome.
That right there is what it's all about; love, that is. So many are confused and feel that love is just the tug upon their libido that bare flesh invokes. True love is death-defying devotion that lives through anything, and risks nothing. Love is loyalty and the peace that mutual loyalty brings. That's why the wandering eye will never know true love, because it hides just outside the wandering eye's field of view. Love is a return on an investment that you have made, that's why it is sweetest when you know you've earned it and most bitter when you know you didn't.
This was teriffic and how I visualize my old age with my wife. I plan to be there and I know that she does too. And that makes me feel teriffic, just like this poem. Good stuff.
Al
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks for reading Plumeister, your comment is very generous.
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Beautiful
I think many (very fortunate) people will relate to this poem and thank you for putting their feelings into words. (Horrible, how deeply the advertisers delve to get us onside in the consumerfest)Stanza 2 is outstanding. The whole poem is so pleasing I can hardly believe I'm going to fault it in any way. However, the question of what person is being used is decidedly muddy in the first stanza and could easily be misconstrued with distractingly comic results eg. 'you wear age heavily' and 'Thankfully, Love is blind'. I know 'one wears age heavily' sounds a little pedantic, but the language of the poem could tolerate it I think, and the need to avoid confusion here is real. You also need to make it clear that the 'love is blind' thing is a swipe at yourself and not your nearest and dearest! The poem could live without it if need be. Technical quibbles, almost redundant in the context of fine emotional tribute. >W<
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Yip, these advertising guys at Sony (and the likes) sure know what they're doing! Points noted, as this was posted 'hot off the press' I'll give myself a few days distance and approach it again, hopefully with a more objective eye.
Thanks
rgds
hobby
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I am at a bit of a disadvantage because I haven't seen the ad, but it doesn't really matter.
I have read this a few times now, (didn't want to be first to comment)- first thoughts were about how lyrical it is.
Lovely, lovely lovely.
Sigh.
But we are here to suggest
I see Lad has already suggested the tweak in line two
crisply, [to] the very edges of beauty
(although I might be tempted myself to say
[crisply to the outside edges of beauty]
I have been thinking about this line since I read it at lunchtime
inevitably, you wear age heavily - a duffle of burden,
It works well on so many levels- the internal rhyming and the rhythm of it, the use of 'heavily' on its own here would be good, but the coup de grace is 'duffle of burden'.
I have no idea what it actually means, but the image it makes, (as well as the actual sound) is superb. It suggests to me duffle bags, duffle coats which in turn evoke things like practicality, warmth, protection, companionship, and conviction. (This may appear strange, but I can explain if necessary).
I did not understand the use of 'drummer', or the allusion in line 10- beating heart? beat of life, the drum one marches behind through life? Again it does not matter if I understand it or not, because the following line sort of sweeps it away like wavelets breaking on a beach
your song settles in me as sure as sea to shore
I am not sure about line 12. I do believe it is okay to use a cliched expression in context. In some respects this could be a correct context- N is comtemplating, with awry smile, the truth of the saying.
There is a place that your poem evokes for me that I do not wish to analyse here, because I am not sure if it is a place that the poet intended.
The ideas of sight and sound fading out; bellowing into silence and still not being loud enough; unworn words and windows on final witnesses; and the fact that there are no regrets, that the subject made N happy.
It is very powerful stuff when readers bring their own experience and interpretation to it. I am of course 'judging blind' and could have got it totally wrong. (Nothing about it in the notes)
Anyways Muchos kudos.
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Dereva, again I am indebted to your close reading. You have exactly the meaning I intended for 'duffle of burden'.
Similarly in S2 you have the captured the essence of the stanza. I also hoped that in conjunction with its theme of hearing and sound it would offer a hint at the failing, with age, of the human body - cataracts in S1, loss of hearing in S2.
I knew the choice of clichéd sayings between stanzas would be little risky, hopefully you can see my intention in using them. I’ve effected a small edit to L12 to replicate the sonics of the preceding stanza in a similar way L6 does with S1.
The poem has achieved its goal, if in some way, as a reader, you can apply your own circumstances and experiences to it and derive a meaning which is valid for you.
Thank you for your continued support, I always look forward to your thoughtful and helpful feedback.
Rgds
hobby
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Very fine for me and my memories.
And for yours, hobby. I like the skillful play on sight and sound - and the beautiful in someone loved. I particularly like that first stanza - masterfully crafted (with just one tiny suggestion: would "to the very edges of beauty" image more complete sight?); the title is perfect for fading absorption of the world; and the final line is, well, what counts most when nature reduces us to "meagre whisper"s.
Very enjoyable; heart-tender and optimistically wise.
Lad -
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A keen-eyed suggestion
on the inclusion of 'to' to tighten the image but broaden its scope. I thought the 1st stanza would likely appeal the most, being a little more tangible. Yes, I reckon that if in a relationship each party can honestly say that to each other, there’s not much to top it.
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