A meek voice is drowning
Amidst a deafening silence
Slowly and silently
Withering away secretly...
A new sun ascends
The night sky, during the
Last hours of darkness,
Tearing apart the shadow
Of grotesque sanity and
Holding out a promise
Of wiping away
The reigning gloom.
But the deceitful golden rays
Dissolve in the twilight sky
Leaving behind a
Lingering essence of a
Dying hope,
Every dusk.
Burying the sangfroid
With an impish smile.
How devilish a silence!
Drinking the last drops
Of my hopeless optimism
Oh! How devilish a silence!
Hope and I are parting
And the 'me' in me is dead
You made me dance to the rhythm
Of an ephemeral joy all day
And now as the sun
Bids farewell to the orange sky,
I drag myself of out the trance
I had dwelled in…
This maddening stillness
Numbs my soul, its frozen now!
Give me my cup of sanity;
Don't depart...
Don't depart...
My voice has drowned
Amidst your deafening silence
Slowly and silently
It withers away secretly...
Author notes
~~silence~~
Let me know what you think!
Do leave behind a comment
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Great title. Rich use of language to convey your subject matter. Very well written and well put.
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 4.
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New words are needed...
for me to describe my reaction to this. Knowing your age is not so shocking as it is comforting. There are parts to this that transcend any age, real gems of phrasing and rhythms. It's not all perfect but I guess that's partly why you sent it in. I'm going to do something you might not particularly like but I see some passages here and an overall tone that strongly remind me of Anna Akhmatova's work. It'll be even more amazing if you haven't read her, but she wrote during the stalinist era in Russia. Stoic, indomitable, brave and generous, she had a beautifully sad soul, and wrote, in full, a constant, veiled counterattack against the regime. I see her, not her influence but her spirit, in the next to last stanza -"...This maddening stillness..."
What struck me most about this was the entire second stanza and its two distinct parts, the first "...the sun ascends..."and then the middle with its ..."deceitful golden rays..." begins a rush up to "...dying hope,"...
and the comma causes you to take a short pause for the necessary intake of breath for the last line "...every dusk..." I'm not comparing you to anyone on that one, that's all your own. The brevity of it makes this ending powerful, short and assured, not resigned. I have a quibble with "amidst", I don't know that that's the right word for what I think you're intending. 'within'/'inside'/ or /'in' might be more fitting.
"...tearing apart the shadow/ of grotesque sanity..." has a really appealing sense of ironic decadence to it. Now, you may avoid my comments from here on in but I'm going to mention another writer you probably haven't read but could have carried on a bristling conversation with and that is Dorothy Parker, a 'bad girl' poet during the 20's in the states. Very funny and deadpan, and yes, very sardonic. But, your couplet "...Hope and I are parting/ and the 'me' in me is dead..." equals her best. However, the master stroke in this, I see as the fifth stanza. I think it's the immediacy and insistence that lead up to the desperate, final plea. I hope you'll be flattered and not offended by being compared to others but you are very young and have time to look around at sympathetic influences. All the best, MJ -
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Thanks!!
Thanks a ton!
this was just a free-write stuff.. wrote it too fast.
but, im glad that u took time to go through this write and post a comment!
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I love this poem. I'm terrible at critiques, but I really do love it.
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Thanks a million!
glad that u liked it!
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Much praise will be heaped upon this poem, and there is no doubt most of it will be well deserved, perhaps even all.
I see my own early writing here, for like you, I have always written verse, for better and worse. It is a joy, truly to see you off and running with this by Grade 8. It is cogent, explorative, innately true, --and all those good things others have not yet got around to saying. Open to interpretations in several directions, then whisking the reader off on a brief tangent and back again, it plays with the subconscious mind of readers in a most beguiling way. I suspect I will read it again, to see what else you have buried in it.
Normally that is all I would say, because I have had my eyebrows singed too often by defensive anger. If you take it wrong too, just stop reading, and spare us both.
Take it as a compliment that I bother. You are obviously intelligent, and all of us are here to learn.
"deafening silence" is a good oxymoron. Not quite a cliché, but I have seen it before. It does show an emotional state that fits here.
A new sun ascend Should be "sun ascends."
The original meaning in French of "sangfroid" is not quite the literal "cold blood," as in coldblooded killer. LAROUSSE lists it as sang-froid (with hyphen in French, not in English) and defines it as "maitrise de soi," self-control. "Tranquillité," if you want the true French meaning. (Why you'd want to bury it is an intriguing question, for sure.)
Then I come to what in fairness, must be said.
The grammatical meaning of 'its and it's' too often is wrong. Think of the possessive in "His friends,"
and "He checked his dictionary to see if it needs an apostrophe. (It does not) He's glad he did because his brother said it's wrong."
No possessive PRONOUN has an apostrophe, Nouns do.
Still with me? Just because everyone you know uses it wrong does not make it right.
The dog licked its paws. Correct.
It's a very tidy dog. (It is, replace the second i with an apostrophe and get "it's"
It's can also mean "it has" as part of a verb phrase, "It's been raining steadily.")
If still in doubt, please see your dictionary.
More so, in your last line, "It's withers away secretly..."
I found this to be either very clever, or else, confusion, again using it's as a possessive.
First, the "withers" of a horse are the highest part of a horse's back. It is withers? It is withering would make more sense, poor thing!
I'm going, I'm going!
Terry
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Whew! never thought one would have so much patience to give a detailed crtique!!
Thanks a million sir!
As for all the mistakes u pointed out.. i've corrected them.. oh! how many mistakes i do make when i write real fast!
Thanks again sir!
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Bravo
Hey lil sis,
This piece of poetry may even humble the great poets ... its like a small epic. Loved the theme , too bored of all the happy poems i write ... i guess a lil bit of sorrow makes life interesting . Great use of words, amazing vocabulary and nice use of repitition. Gets the point across very well. u've used it well in the line "Dont Depart, Dont Depart". Nicely done ... itz really a gr8 piece of poetry ... good job and keep the flag up and sailing
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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